Saturday, May 31, 2008
Hillary Intervention
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Congratulations to David Cook from “American Idol.” He got aan amazing 50 million votes. He got so many votes, Hillary offered him the VP spot.
You know the difference between “American Idol” and the Democratic primary? They count the votes from Florida and Michigan.
Democrats had their primaries in Oregon and Kentucky. You know what that means? Nothing. When’s it going to be over? It’s like a bad NBC show that’s still on the air.
Actually it’s a big victory for Hillary. She won big in Kentucky. Of course, now she can move on to the Belmont Stakes.
While she was in Louisville, they showed her on the news in the mall trying on different pairs of reading glasses. Apparently she can’t read the writing on the wall.
David Letterman
How about that presidential campaign? Hillary Clinton still in the race, winning delegates, though she has no chance of winning. That’s like the losing team in the World Series, continuing to show up at the stadium.
She’s in debt; her campaign is $21 million in debt. Now, when she gets that 3 a.m. phone call? It’s from a loan shark.
She just keeps showing up. She won in Kentucky, nowit’s off to Puerto Rico, then Cuba, the Falkland Islands . . .
She’s ready for her next primary in Puerto Rico. She plans on campaigning in a skimpy two-piece pantsuit.
Conan O'Brien
Yesterday while campaigning in Kentucky, Hillary Clinton stopped at a drugstore and bought a pair of reading glasses. Then she picked up a newspaper and said, “Holy crap — I gotta drop out of this thing!”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Now that celebrity dancing and karaoke singing are over, it’s time to catch up on other news. Did you know there’s a black guy and a lady running for president?
America has a new American Idol. Hillary Clinton called the loser, David Archuleta, and told him not to give up.
Jay Leno
Congratulations to David Cook from “American Idol.” He got aan amazing 50 million votes. He got so many votes, Hillary offered him the VP spot.
You know the difference between “American Idol” and the Democratic primary? They count the votes from Florida and Michigan.
Democrats had their primaries in Oregon and Kentucky. You know what that means? Nothing. When’s it going to be over? It’s like a bad NBC show that’s still on the air.
Actually it’s a big victory for Hillary. She won big in Kentucky. Of course, now she can move on to the Belmont Stakes.
While she was in Louisville, they showed her on the news in the mall trying on different pairs of reading glasses. Apparently she can’t read the writing on the wall.
David Letterman
How about that presidential campaign? Hillary Clinton still in the race, winning delegates, though she has no chance of winning. That’s like the losing team in the World Series, continuing to show up at the stadium.
She’s in debt; her campaign is $21 million in debt. Now, when she gets that 3 a.m. phone call? It’s from a loan shark.
She just keeps showing up. She won in Kentucky, nowit’s off to Puerto Rico, then Cuba, the Falkland Islands . . .
She’s ready for her next primary in Puerto Rico. She plans on campaigning in a skimpy two-piece pantsuit.
Conan O'Brien
Yesterday while campaigning in Kentucky, Hillary Clinton stopped at a drugstore and bought a pair of reading glasses. Then she picked up a newspaper and said, “Holy crap — I gotta drop out of this thing!”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Now that celebrity dancing and karaoke singing are over, it’s time to catch up on other news. Did you know there’s a black guy and a lady running for president?
America has a new American Idol. Hillary Clinton called the loser, David Archuleta, and told him not to give up.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Clinton Campaign
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Scorcher today. It was so hot, Hillary Clinton became delusional and began claiming she can win the White House . . . no, sorry, that was the regular Hillary. It had nothing to do with the heat.
Yesterday, an estimated 75,000 people attended a Barack Obama rally on the banks of the river . . . . after the rally, Barack feed them all with just five loaves of bread and two fishes.
The oldest serving member of Congress, former Klan member Sen. Robert Byrd, has endorsed Barack Obama for president. That’s got to make Hillary feel good . . . Even the Klan guys are going, “I’m going with the black guy.”
The New York Daily News says that Barack Obama’s biggest problem now is how to get rid of Hillary Clinton “gently.” To which Bill Clinton said, “Good luck with that. Let me know how that’s going.”
Things are not looking good for Hillary. Today, she was thinking of changing her name to Gas Prices just to see her numbers go up.
Conan O'Brien
In a speech this past weekend, Hillary Clinton said John McCain couldn’t be more out of touch. Then she said, “If you’ll excuse me, I’m about to win the Democratic nomination.”
Bill Clinton gave a speech at a high school in Kentucky, and he was 90 minutes late. Clinton told the students, “I’d explain why I’m late but you’re not quite old enough.”
Jay Leno
Scorcher today. It was so hot, Hillary Clinton became delusional and began claiming she can win the White House . . . no, sorry, that was the regular Hillary. It had nothing to do with the heat.
Yesterday, an estimated 75,000 people attended a Barack Obama rally on the banks of the river . . . . after the rally, Barack feed them all with just five loaves of bread and two fishes.
The oldest serving member of Congress, former Klan member Sen. Robert Byrd, has endorsed Barack Obama for president. That’s got to make Hillary feel good . . . Even the Klan guys are going, “I’m going with the black guy.”
The New York Daily News says that Barack Obama’s biggest problem now is how to get rid of Hillary Clinton “gently.” To which Bill Clinton said, “Good luck with that. Let me know how that’s going.”
Things are not looking good for Hillary. Today, she was thinking of changing her name to Gas Prices just to see her numbers go up.
Conan O'Brien
In a speech this past weekend, Hillary Clinton said John McCain couldn’t be more out of touch. Then she said, “If you’ll excuse me, I’m about to win the Democratic nomination.”
Bill Clinton gave a speech at a high school in Kentucky, and he was 90 minutes late. Clinton told the students, “I’d explain why I’m late but you’re not quite old enough.”
Labels: J
Monday, May 19, 2008
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Yesterday in an interview, Hillary Clinton said that her comment about getting the support of the white people was one of the dumbest things she’s ever said. Well, that and when she turned to Bill and said, “I do.”
David Letterman
Hillary Clinton’s not dropping out. In West Virginia she won big; no delegates, but she won big, and now she goes to South America to continue the campaign . . .
Her campaign is now $21 million in debt. That’s the world’s most expensive fantasy camp.
She thinks there’s a chance. She’s counting on her stimulus check to keep her going.
Conan O'Brien
Barack Obama is in the spotlight. Last night he had to apologize for calling a reporter “Sweetie.” Meanwhile, Bill Clinton apologized for calling a reporter when her husband was home.
Last night in an interview with Katie Couric, Hillary Clinton said she would not quit no matter how bad her numbers were. Then Katie Couric said the same thing to Hillary.
Jay Leno
Yesterday in an interview, Hillary Clinton said that her comment about getting the support of the white people was one of the dumbest things she’s ever said. Well, that and when she turned to Bill and said, “I do.”
David Letterman
Hillary Clinton’s not dropping out. In West Virginia she won big; no delegates, but she won big, and now she goes to South America to continue the campaign . . .
Her campaign is now $21 million in debt. That’s the world’s most expensive fantasy camp.
She thinks there’s a chance. She’s counting on her stimulus check to keep her going.
Conan O'Brien
Barack Obama is in the spotlight. Last night he had to apologize for calling a reporter “Sweetie.” Meanwhile, Bill Clinton apologized for calling a reporter when her husband was home.
Last night in an interview with Katie Couric, Hillary Clinton said she would not quit no matter how bad her numbers were. Then Katie Couric said the same thing to Hillary.
Labels: J
Friday, May 16, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton won big in West Virginia last night — 67 percent to 26 percent for Barack Obama. He hasn’t had numbers that low since he went bowling.
You could tell Hillary was pandering to West Virginia voters. Today she said, if elected, she would impose a heavy tax on anyone with teeth.
She gives hope to the American Dream: If you work hard, you can watch someone else become president.
More bad news for Hillary: John Edwards is backing Obama. Barack Obama promised him if he was elected, he would offer Edwards a Cabinet position as secretary of shampoo and highlighting.
Big blowout in West Virginia for Hillary. Which means that one day she could be president of . . . West Virginia.
Her campaign is $20 million in debt. With $20 million in debt . . . she could be president.
Money is so tight in her campaign. Yesterday, I understand she was wearing a rented pantsuit.
Political experts say Hillary Clinton will soon have to face the moment of truth. They campaign and lie to us for six months, and we only get a moment of truth.
Conan O'Brien
Last night, Hillary Clinton won West Virginia with nearly 70 percent of the vote. She would have gotten even more of the vote, but on the way to the polls, some of their houses got a flat tire.
After she won, she said, “It’s not over, and I will never give up.” Then she flew off on her broom and said, “And I’ll kill your little dog too.”
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton won big in West Virginia last night — 67 percent to 26 percent for Barack Obama. He hasn’t had numbers that low since he went bowling.
You could tell Hillary was pandering to West Virginia voters. Today she said, if elected, she would impose a heavy tax on anyone with teeth.
She gives hope to the American Dream: If you work hard, you can watch someone else become president.
More bad news for Hillary: John Edwards is backing Obama. Barack Obama promised him if he was elected, he would offer Edwards a Cabinet position as secretary of shampoo and highlighting.
Big blowout in West Virginia for Hillary. Which means that one day she could be president of . . . West Virginia.
Her campaign is $20 million in debt. With $20 million in debt . . . she could be president.
Money is so tight in her campaign. Yesterday, I understand she was wearing a rented pantsuit.
Political experts say Hillary Clinton will soon have to face the moment of truth. They campaign and lie to us for six months, and we only get a moment of truth.
Conan O'Brien
Last night, Hillary Clinton won West Virginia with nearly 70 percent of the vote. She would have gotten even more of the vote, but on the way to the polls, some of their houses got a flat tire.
After she won, she said, “It’s not over, and I will never give up.” Then she flew off on her broom and said, “And I’ll kill your little dog too.”
Labels: J
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
According to the most recent exit polls, most people say that Hillary should exit.
The latest rumor is that Hillary’s campaign is going broke. Her staff has been told that future campaign events will have to cut back on the frills. For example, when traveling, Bill and Hillary now have to share a hotel room. It’s going to be a hardship.
But you know something? I think she’s getting a little desperate. Like today in a small town in West Virginia, Hillary Clinton told a crowd that not only are she and Bill husband and wife, they are also brother and sister.
Hillary Clinton is not throwing in the pantsuit.
According to The New York Times, Bill Clinton, while on stage, was actually wiping away a tear. When Hillary saw this, she said, “Don’t worry, Bill. I’ll always be here with you.” And he said, “Don’t make it worse.”
The pundits say Hillary Clinton’s campaign will most likely survive until mid-June. On the Republican side, they say they are optimistic that John McCain will also survive until at least mid-June.
I’m getting inspired by Hillary Clinton. Maybe I won’t leave either.
David Letterman
Hillary Clinton is a fighter. Too bad her campaign is running out of money. And they’re not paying their bills. Here’s what happened today: A collection agency repoed her pantsuit.
She has one thing in common with President Bush: Neither of them has an exit strategy.
Conan O'Brien
The other day Hillary Clinton told reporters that she is the designated worrier in the family. Hillary said that she wakes up every night at 4 a.m. and worries about where her husband is.
It has been reported that Barack Obama has been negotiating for Hillary Clinton to go away. When he heard this, Bill Clinton said, “I’d love to know how that works.”
Hillary’s advisers say that the chances of her giving up the nomination to Barack is only about 10 percent. However, they say that if he should win the presidency, that number could go as high as 11 percent.
Craig Ferguson
A new economic study coming out today shows that women have an easier time getting a job than men. All except Hillary Clinton.
Democrats are really trying to pressure Hillary to drop out. She hasn’t faced this much pressure from another Democrat since Bill tried to get her into a three-way.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Democrats are in a tough spot: If the superdelegates nominate Clinton, they will alienate a lot of African-American voters. If Obama wins, there are going to be a lot of disappointed women voters, which is why I think more than ever we need a president Oprah.
Jay Leno
According to the most recent exit polls, most people say that Hillary should exit.
The latest rumor is that Hillary’s campaign is going broke. Her staff has been told that future campaign events will have to cut back on the frills. For example, when traveling, Bill and Hillary now have to share a hotel room. It’s going to be a hardship.
But you know something? I think she’s getting a little desperate. Like today in a small town in West Virginia, Hillary Clinton told a crowd that not only are she and Bill husband and wife, they are also brother and sister.
Hillary Clinton is not throwing in the pantsuit.
According to The New York Times, Bill Clinton, while on stage, was actually wiping away a tear. When Hillary saw this, she said, “Don’t worry, Bill. I’ll always be here with you.” And he said, “Don’t make it worse.”
The pundits say Hillary Clinton’s campaign will most likely survive until mid-June. On the Republican side, they say they are optimistic that John McCain will also survive until at least mid-June.
I’m getting inspired by Hillary Clinton. Maybe I won’t leave either.
David Letterman
Hillary Clinton is a fighter. Too bad her campaign is running out of money. And they’re not paying their bills. Here’s what happened today: A collection agency repoed her pantsuit.
She has one thing in common with President Bush: Neither of them has an exit strategy.
Conan O'Brien
The other day Hillary Clinton told reporters that she is the designated worrier in the family. Hillary said that she wakes up every night at 4 a.m. and worries about where her husband is.
It has been reported that Barack Obama has been negotiating for Hillary Clinton to go away. When he heard this, Bill Clinton said, “I’d love to know how that works.”
Hillary’s advisers say that the chances of her giving up the nomination to Barack is only about 10 percent. However, they say that if he should win the presidency, that number could go as high as 11 percent.
Craig Ferguson
A new economic study coming out today shows that women have an easier time getting a job than men. All except Hillary Clinton.
Democrats are really trying to pressure Hillary to drop out. She hasn’t faced this much pressure from another Democrat since Bill tried to get her into a three-way.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Democrats are in a tough spot: If the superdelegates nominate Clinton, they will alienate a lot of African-American voters. If Obama wins, there are going to be a lot of disappointed women voters, which is why I think more than ever we need a president Oprah.
Labels: C
Monday, May 12, 2008
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Friday, May 09, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons Hillary Clinton Loves America
10. We have more Dakotas than every other country combined
9. Canadian Bacon: soggy and chewy; American Bacon: crisp and delicious!
8. Thanks to the Internet, I can order new pantsuits 24/7 — there's your pantsuit joke, Dave. Are you happy?
7. 232 years and not one cookie shortage
6. TiVO
5. Did I mention the soup? Mmmm, soup
5. Did I mention the soup? Mmmm
4. Did you know former President Teddy Roosevelt was an American?
3. Where else can you get a car painted for $29.95?
2. Is this the part where I say, "Live from New York it's Saturday Night Live!"?
1. We've got Regis
Jay Leno
They say the Clinton campaign is out of money. And today Republicans asked, "How much do you need?"
Hillary Clinton said in her interview with George Stephanopoulos Sunday night that Rush Limbaugh has always had a crush on her. What is it with the Clintons and their magical power over chubby people?
Happy Cinco de Mayo. People love Cinco de Mayo. I saw this one woman throwing back shots of tequila one after the other. Then I realized it was Hillary Clinton working the Latino vote.
David Letterman
Very bad allergy season this year: Apparently, North Carolina is allergic to Hillary Clinton.
In Indiana, Hillary Clinton is after the blue collar vote. Today she was seen drinking beer with construction workers and hooting at chicks.
They’re saying $10 gas by Labor Day. Hillary Clinton says she supports a summer gas tax holiday. I don’t know what that means exactly, but I will says I am in favor of any holiday that doesn’t involve relatives.
Conan O'Brien
Tough night for Hillary. Though she's losing, she says there are still six states left. Barack Obama is favored in Oregon, Montana, and South Dakota, and Hillary is favored in the state of denial.
Hillary, on the campaign trail, said her first job was as a baby sitter. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton told reporters his first time was with a baby sitter.
The other day at a campaign stop in Indiana, Barack Obama lost a game of pick-up basketball to a 14-year-old. Meanwhile, across town, Hillary Clinton single-handedly defeated the entire women’s field hockey team.
Yesterday in North Carolina, former President Clinton gave a campaign speech for Hillary while standing on the back of a pick-up truck. And like all of the speeches Bill Clinton gives in the back of a pick-up truck it began, “You have beautiful eyes.”
Yesterday, the entire “Meet the Press” was devoted to Barack Obama while the entire “This Week with George Stephanopoulos” was devoted to Hillary Clinton. Meanwhile, John McCain spent the day watching a “Golden Girls” marathon.
Craig Ferguson
Hillary was crushed last night in North Carolina. She has a more realistic plan for victory, though. She’s entering the NBA playoffs.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Hillary Clinton says she’s in the race to the bitter end, or at least until her husband Bill takes the sock off the door handle.
The primaries are over and we are projecting that Barack Obama is liked by more black people than Hillary Clinton.
Hillary lost North Carolina, which is huge. They’re saying that the only way for Barack to lose is if he married Bill Clinton.
Will she quit? Not a chance. She will stay in this race for as long as it takes to elect John McCain president.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons Hillary Clinton Loves America
10. We have more Dakotas than every other country combined
9. Canadian Bacon: soggy and chewy; American Bacon: crisp and delicious!
8. Thanks to the Internet, I can order new pantsuits 24/7 — there's your pantsuit joke, Dave. Are you happy?
7. 232 years and not one cookie shortage
6. TiVO
5. Did I mention the soup? Mmmm, soup
5. Did I mention the soup? Mmmm
4. Did you know former President Teddy Roosevelt was an American?
3. Where else can you get a car painted for $29.95?
2. Is this the part where I say, "Live from New York it's Saturday Night Live!"?
1. We've got Regis
Jay Leno
They say the Clinton campaign is out of money. And today Republicans asked, "How much do you need?"
Hillary Clinton said in her interview with George Stephanopoulos Sunday night that Rush Limbaugh has always had a crush on her. What is it with the Clintons and their magical power over chubby people?
Happy Cinco de Mayo. People love Cinco de Mayo. I saw this one woman throwing back shots of tequila one after the other. Then I realized it was Hillary Clinton working the Latino vote.
David Letterman
Very bad allergy season this year: Apparently, North Carolina is allergic to Hillary Clinton.
In Indiana, Hillary Clinton is after the blue collar vote. Today she was seen drinking beer with construction workers and hooting at chicks.
They’re saying $10 gas by Labor Day. Hillary Clinton says she supports a summer gas tax holiday. I don’t know what that means exactly, but I will says I am in favor of any holiday that doesn’t involve relatives.
Conan O'Brien
Tough night for Hillary. Though she's losing, she says there are still six states left. Barack Obama is favored in Oregon, Montana, and South Dakota, and Hillary is favored in the state of denial.
Hillary, on the campaign trail, said her first job was as a baby sitter. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton told reporters his first time was with a baby sitter.
The other day at a campaign stop in Indiana, Barack Obama lost a game of pick-up basketball to a 14-year-old. Meanwhile, across town, Hillary Clinton single-handedly defeated the entire women’s field hockey team.
Yesterday in North Carolina, former President Clinton gave a campaign speech for Hillary while standing on the back of a pick-up truck. And like all of the speeches Bill Clinton gives in the back of a pick-up truck it began, “You have beautiful eyes.”
Yesterday, the entire “Meet the Press” was devoted to Barack Obama while the entire “This Week with George Stephanopoulos” was devoted to Hillary Clinton. Meanwhile, John McCain spent the day watching a “Golden Girls” marathon.
Craig Ferguson
Hillary was crushed last night in North Carolina. She has a more realistic plan for victory, though. She’s entering the NBA playoffs.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Hillary Clinton says she’s in the race to the bitter end, or at least until her husband Bill takes the sock off the door handle.
The primaries are over and we are projecting that Barack Obama is liked by more black people than Hillary Clinton.
Hillary lost North Carolina, which is huge. They’re saying that the only way for Barack to lose is if he married Bill Clinton.
Will she quit? Not a chance. She will stay in this race for as long as it takes to elect John McCain president.
Labels: J
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Is This What America's Coming To?
Monday, May 05, 2008
If I Drive Her Home Can I Be Vice President?
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Amen, Rev. Wright, Amen!
Friday, May 02, 2008
