Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Scorcher today. It was so hot, Hillary Clinton became delusional and began claiming she can win the White House . . . no, sorry, that was the regular Hillary. It had nothing to do with the heat.
Yesterday, an estimated 75,000 people attended a Barack Obama rally on the banks of the river . . . . after the rally, Barack feed them all with just five loaves of bread and two fishes.
The oldest serving member of Congress, former Klan member Sen. Robert Byrd, has endorsed Barack Obama for president. That’s got to make Hillary feel good . . . Even the Klan guys are going, “I’m going with the black guy.”
The New York Daily News says that Barack Obama’s biggest problem now is how to get rid of Hillary Clinton “gently.” To which Bill Clinton said, “Good luck with that. Let me know how that’s going.”
Things are not looking good for Hillary. Today, she was thinking of changing her name to Gas Prices just to see her numbers go up.
Conan O'Brien
In a speech this past weekend, Hillary Clinton said John McCain couldn’t be more out of touch. Then she said, “If you’ll excuse me, I’m about to win the Democratic nomination.”
Bill Clinton gave a speech at a high school in Kentucky, and he was 90 minutes late. Clinton told the students, “I’d explain why I’m late but you’re not quite old enough.”
Jay Leno
Scorcher today. It was so hot, Hillary Clinton became delusional and began claiming she can win the White House . . . no, sorry, that was the regular Hillary. It had nothing to do with the heat.
Yesterday, an estimated 75,000 people attended a Barack Obama rally on the banks of the river . . . . after the rally, Barack feed them all with just five loaves of bread and two fishes.
The oldest serving member of Congress, former Klan member Sen. Robert Byrd, has endorsed Barack Obama for president. That’s got to make Hillary feel good . . . Even the Klan guys are going, “I’m going with the black guy.”
The New York Daily News says that Barack Obama’s biggest problem now is how to get rid of Hillary Clinton “gently.” To which Bill Clinton said, “Good luck with that. Let me know how that’s going.”
Things are not looking good for Hillary. Today, she was thinking of changing her name to Gas Prices just to see her numbers go up.
Conan O'Brien
In a speech this past weekend, Hillary Clinton said John McCain couldn’t be more out of touch. Then she said, “If you’ll excuse me, I’m about to win the Democratic nomination.”
Bill Clinton gave a speech at a high school in Kentucky, and he was 90 minutes late. Clinton told the students, “I’d explain why I’m late but you’re not quite old enough.”
Labels: J
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Yesterday in an interview, Hillary Clinton said that her comment about getting the support of the white people was one of the dumbest things she’s ever said. Well, that and when she turned to Bill and said, “I do.”
David Letterman
Hillary Clinton’s not dropping out. In West Virginia she won big; no delegates, but she won big, and now she goes to South America to continue the campaign . . .
Her campaign is now $21 million in debt. That’s the world’s most expensive fantasy camp.
She thinks there’s a chance. She’s counting on her stimulus check to keep her going.
Conan O'Brien
Barack Obama is in the spotlight. Last night he had to apologize for calling a reporter “Sweetie.” Meanwhile, Bill Clinton apologized for calling a reporter when her husband was home.
Last night in an interview with Katie Couric, Hillary Clinton said she would not quit no matter how bad her numbers were. Then Katie Couric said the same thing to Hillary.
Jay Leno
Yesterday in an interview, Hillary Clinton said that her comment about getting the support of the white people was one of the dumbest things she’s ever said. Well, that and when she turned to Bill and said, “I do.”
David Letterman
Hillary Clinton’s not dropping out. In West Virginia she won big; no delegates, but she won big, and now she goes to South America to continue the campaign . . .
Her campaign is now $21 million in debt. That’s the world’s most expensive fantasy camp.
She thinks there’s a chance. She’s counting on her stimulus check to keep her going.
Conan O'Brien
Barack Obama is in the spotlight. Last night he had to apologize for calling a reporter “Sweetie.” Meanwhile, Bill Clinton apologized for calling a reporter when her husband was home.
Last night in an interview with Katie Couric, Hillary Clinton said she would not quit no matter how bad her numbers were. Then Katie Couric said the same thing to Hillary.
Labels: J
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton won big in West Virginia last night — 67 percent to 26 percent for Barack Obama. He hasn’t had numbers that low since he went bowling.
You could tell Hillary was pandering to West Virginia voters. Today she said, if elected, she would impose a heavy tax on anyone with teeth.
She gives hope to the American Dream: If you work hard, you can watch someone else become president.
More bad news for Hillary: John Edwards is backing Obama. Barack Obama promised him if he was elected, he would offer Edwards a Cabinet position as secretary of shampoo and highlighting.
Big blowout in West Virginia for Hillary. Which means that one day she could be president of . . . West Virginia.
Her campaign is $20 million in debt. With $20 million in debt . . . she could be president.
Money is so tight in her campaign. Yesterday, I understand she was wearing a rented pantsuit.
Political experts say Hillary Clinton will soon have to face the moment of truth. They campaign and lie to us for six months, and we only get a moment of truth.
Conan O'Brien
Last night, Hillary Clinton won West Virginia with nearly 70 percent of the vote. She would have gotten even more of the vote, but on the way to the polls, some of their houses got a flat tire.
After she won, she said, “It’s not over, and I will never give up.” Then she flew off on her broom and said, “And I’ll kill your little dog too.”
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton won big in West Virginia last night — 67 percent to 26 percent for Barack Obama. He hasn’t had numbers that low since he went bowling.
You could tell Hillary was pandering to West Virginia voters. Today she said, if elected, she would impose a heavy tax on anyone with teeth.
She gives hope to the American Dream: If you work hard, you can watch someone else become president.
More bad news for Hillary: John Edwards is backing Obama. Barack Obama promised him if he was elected, he would offer Edwards a Cabinet position as secretary of shampoo and highlighting.
Big blowout in West Virginia for Hillary. Which means that one day she could be president of . . . West Virginia.
Her campaign is $20 million in debt. With $20 million in debt . . . she could be president.
Money is so tight in her campaign. Yesterday, I understand she was wearing a rented pantsuit.
Political experts say Hillary Clinton will soon have to face the moment of truth. They campaign and lie to us for six months, and we only get a moment of truth.
Conan O'Brien
Last night, Hillary Clinton won West Virginia with nearly 70 percent of the vote. She would have gotten even more of the vote, but on the way to the polls, some of their houses got a flat tire.
After she won, she said, “It’s not over, and I will never give up.” Then she flew off on her broom and said, “And I’ll kill your little dog too.”
Labels: J
Friday, May 09, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons Hillary Clinton Loves America
10. We have more Dakotas than every other country combined
9. Canadian Bacon: soggy and chewy; American Bacon: crisp and delicious!
8. Thanks to the Internet, I can order new pantsuits 24/7 — there's your pantsuit joke, Dave. Are you happy?
7. 232 years and not one cookie shortage
6. TiVO
5. Did I mention the soup? Mmmm, soup
5. Did I mention the soup? Mmmm
4. Did you know former President Teddy Roosevelt was an American?
3. Where else can you get a car painted for $29.95?
2. Is this the part where I say, "Live from New York it's Saturday Night Live!"?
1. We've got Regis
Jay Leno
They say the Clinton campaign is out of money. And today Republicans asked, "How much do you need?"
Hillary Clinton said in her interview with George Stephanopoulos Sunday night that Rush Limbaugh has always had a crush on her. What is it with the Clintons and their magical power over chubby people?
Happy Cinco de Mayo. People love Cinco de Mayo. I saw this one woman throwing back shots of tequila one after the other. Then I realized it was Hillary Clinton working the Latino vote.
David Letterman
Very bad allergy season this year: Apparently, North Carolina is allergic to Hillary Clinton.
In Indiana, Hillary Clinton is after the blue collar vote. Today she was seen drinking beer with construction workers and hooting at chicks.
They’re saying $10 gas by Labor Day. Hillary Clinton says she supports a summer gas tax holiday. I don’t know what that means exactly, but I will says I am in favor of any holiday that doesn’t involve relatives.
Conan O'Brien
Tough night for Hillary. Though she's losing, she says there are still six states left. Barack Obama is favored in Oregon, Montana, and South Dakota, and Hillary is favored in the state of denial.
Hillary, on the campaign trail, said her first job was as a baby sitter. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton told reporters his first time was with a baby sitter.
The other day at a campaign stop in Indiana, Barack Obama lost a game of pick-up basketball to a 14-year-old. Meanwhile, across town, Hillary Clinton single-handedly defeated the entire women’s field hockey team.
Yesterday in North Carolina, former President Clinton gave a campaign speech for Hillary while standing on the back of a pick-up truck. And like all of the speeches Bill Clinton gives in the back of a pick-up truck it began, “You have beautiful eyes.”
Yesterday, the entire “Meet the Press” was devoted to Barack Obama while the entire “This Week with George Stephanopoulos” was devoted to Hillary Clinton. Meanwhile, John McCain spent the day watching a “Golden Girls” marathon.
Craig Ferguson
Hillary was crushed last night in North Carolina. She has a more realistic plan for victory, though. She’s entering the NBA playoffs.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Hillary Clinton says she’s in the race to the bitter end, or at least until her husband Bill takes the sock off the door handle.
The primaries are over and we are projecting that Barack Obama is liked by more black people than Hillary Clinton.
Hillary lost North Carolina, which is huge. They’re saying that the only way for Barack to lose is if he married Bill Clinton.
Will she quit? Not a chance. She will stay in this race for as long as it takes to elect John McCain president.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons Hillary Clinton Loves America
10. We have more Dakotas than every other country combined
9. Canadian Bacon: soggy and chewy; American Bacon: crisp and delicious!
8. Thanks to the Internet, I can order new pantsuits 24/7 — there's your pantsuit joke, Dave. Are you happy?
7. 232 years and not one cookie shortage
6. TiVO
5. Did I mention the soup? Mmmm, soup
5. Did I mention the soup? Mmmm
4. Did you know former President Teddy Roosevelt was an American?
3. Where else can you get a car painted for $29.95?
2. Is this the part where I say, "Live from New York it's Saturday Night Live!"?
1. We've got Regis
Jay Leno
They say the Clinton campaign is out of money. And today Republicans asked, "How much do you need?"
Hillary Clinton said in her interview with George Stephanopoulos Sunday night that Rush Limbaugh has always had a crush on her. What is it with the Clintons and their magical power over chubby people?
Happy Cinco de Mayo. People love Cinco de Mayo. I saw this one woman throwing back shots of tequila one after the other. Then I realized it was Hillary Clinton working the Latino vote.
David Letterman
Very bad allergy season this year: Apparently, North Carolina is allergic to Hillary Clinton.
In Indiana, Hillary Clinton is after the blue collar vote. Today she was seen drinking beer with construction workers and hooting at chicks.
They’re saying $10 gas by Labor Day. Hillary Clinton says she supports a summer gas tax holiday. I don’t know what that means exactly, but I will says I am in favor of any holiday that doesn’t involve relatives.
Conan O'Brien
Tough night for Hillary. Though she's losing, she says there are still six states left. Barack Obama is favored in Oregon, Montana, and South Dakota, and Hillary is favored in the state of denial.
Hillary, on the campaign trail, said her first job was as a baby sitter. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton told reporters his first time was with a baby sitter.
The other day at a campaign stop in Indiana, Barack Obama lost a game of pick-up basketball to a 14-year-old. Meanwhile, across town, Hillary Clinton single-handedly defeated the entire women’s field hockey team.
Yesterday in North Carolina, former President Clinton gave a campaign speech for Hillary while standing on the back of a pick-up truck. And like all of the speeches Bill Clinton gives in the back of a pick-up truck it began, “You have beautiful eyes.”
Yesterday, the entire “Meet the Press” was devoted to Barack Obama while the entire “This Week with George Stephanopoulos” was devoted to Hillary Clinton. Meanwhile, John McCain spent the day watching a “Golden Girls” marathon.
Craig Ferguson
Hillary was crushed last night in North Carolina. She has a more realistic plan for victory, though. She’s entering the NBA playoffs.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Hillary Clinton says she’s in the race to the bitter end, or at least until her husband Bill takes the sock off the door handle.
The primaries are over and we are projecting that Barack Obama is liked by more black people than Hillary Clinton.
Hillary lost North Carolina, which is huge. They’re saying that the only way for Barack to lose is if he married Bill Clinton.
Will she quit? Not a chance. She will stay in this race for as long as it takes to elect John McCain president.
Labels: J
