Friday, May 09, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons Hillary Clinton Loves America
10. We have more Dakotas than every other country combined
9. Canadian Bacon: soggy and chewy; American Bacon: crisp and delicious!
8. Thanks to the Internet, I can order new pantsuits 24/7 — there's your pantsuit joke, Dave. Are you happy?
7. 232 years and not one cookie shortage
6. TiVO
5. Did I mention the soup? Mmmm, soup
5. Did I mention the soup? Mmmm
4. Did you know former President Teddy Roosevelt was an American?
3. Where else can you get a car painted for $29.95?
2. Is this the part where I say, "Live from New York it's Saturday Night Live!"?
1. We've got Regis
Jay Leno
They say the Clinton campaign is out of money. And today Republicans asked, "How much do you need?"
Hillary Clinton said in her interview with George Stephanopoulos Sunday night that Rush Limbaugh has always had a crush on her. What is it with the Clintons and their magical power over chubby people?
Happy Cinco de Mayo. People love Cinco de Mayo. I saw this one woman throwing back shots of tequila one after the other. Then I realized it was Hillary Clinton working the Latino vote.
David Letterman
Very bad allergy season this year: Apparently, North Carolina is allergic to Hillary Clinton.
In Indiana, Hillary Clinton is after the blue collar vote. Today she was seen drinking beer with construction workers and hooting at chicks.
They’re saying $10 gas by Labor Day. Hillary Clinton says she supports a summer gas tax holiday. I don’t know what that means exactly, but I will says I am in favor of any holiday that doesn’t involve relatives.
Conan O'Brien
Tough night for Hillary. Though she's losing, she says there are still six states left. Barack Obama is favored in Oregon, Montana, and South Dakota, and Hillary is favored in the state of denial.
Hillary, on the campaign trail, said her first job was as a baby sitter. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton told reporters his first time was with a baby sitter.
The other day at a campaign stop in Indiana, Barack Obama lost a game of pick-up basketball to a 14-year-old. Meanwhile, across town, Hillary Clinton single-handedly defeated the entire women’s field hockey team.
Yesterday in North Carolina, former President Clinton gave a campaign speech for Hillary while standing on the back of a pick-up truck. And like all of the speeches Bill Clinton gives in the back of a pick-up truck it began, “You have beautiful eyes.”
Yesterday, the entire “Meet the Press” was devoted to Barack Obama while the entire “This Week with George Stephanopoulos” was devoted to Hillary Clinton. Meanwhile, John McCain spent the day watching a “Golden Girls” marathon.
Craig Ferguson
Hillary was crushed last night in North Carolina. She has a more realistic plan for victory, though. She’s entering the NBA playoffs.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Hillary Clinton says she’s in the race to the bitter end, or at least until her husband Bill takes the sock off the door handle.
The primaries are over and we are projecting that Barack Obama is liked by more black people than Hillary Clinton.
Hillary lost North Carolina, which is huge. They’re saying that the only way for Barack to lose is if he married Bill Clinton.
Will she quit? Not a chance. She will stay in this race for as long as it takes to elect John McCain president.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons Hillary Clinton Loves America
10. We have more Dakotas than every other country combined
9. Canadian Bacon: soggy and chewy; American Bacon: crisp and delicious!
8. Thanks to the Internet, I can order new pantsuits 24/7 — there's your pantsuit joke, Dave. Are you happy?
7. 232 years and not one cookie shortage
6. TiVO
5. Did I mention the soup? Mmmm, soup
5. Did I mention the soup? Mmmm
4. Did you know former President Teddy Roosevelt was an American?
3. Where else can you get a car painted for $29.95?
2. Is this the part where I say, "Live from New York it's Saturday Night Live!"?
1. We've got Regis
Jay Leno
They say the Clinton campaign is out of money. And today Republicans asked, "How much do you need?"
Hillary Clinton said in her interview with George Stephanopoulos Sunday night that Rush Limbaugh has always had a crush on her. What is it with the Clintons and their magical power over chubby people?
Happy Cinco de Mayo. People love Cinco de Mayo. I saw this one woman throwing back shots of tequila one after the other. Then I realized it was Hillary Clinton working the Latino vote.
David Letterman
Very bad allergy season this year: Apparently, North Carolina is allergic to Hillary Clinton.
In Indiana, Hillary Clinton is after the blue collar vote. Today she was seen drinking beer with construction workers and hooting at chicks.
They’re saying $10 gas by Labor Day. Hillary Clinton says she supports a summer gas tax holiday. I don’t know what that means exactly, but I will says I am in favor of any holiday that doesn’t involve relatives.
Conan O'Brien
Tough night for Hillary. Though she's losing, she says there are still six states left. Barack Obama is favored in Oregon, Montana, and South Dakota, and Hillary is favored in the state of denial.
Hillary, on the campaign trail, said her first job was as a baby sitter. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton told reporters his first time was with a baby sitter.
The other day at a campaign stop in Indiana, Barack Obama lost a game of pick-up basketball to a 14-year-old. Meanwhile, across town, Hillary Clinton single-handedly defeated the entire women’s field hockey team.
Yesterday in North Carolina, former President Clinton gave a campaign speech for Hillary while standing on the back of a pick-up truck. And like all of the speeches Bill Clinton gives in the back of a pick-up truck it began, “You have beautiful eyes.”
Yesterday, the entire “Meet the Press” was devoted to Barack Obama while the entire “This Week with George Stephanopoulos” was devoted to Hillary Clinton. Meanwhile, John McCain spent the day watching a “Golden Girls” marathon.
Craig Ferguson
Hillary was crushed last night in North Carolina. She has a more realistic plan for victory, though. She’s entering the NBA playoffs.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Hillary Clinton says she’s in the race to the bitter end, or at least until her husband Bill takes the sock off the door handle.
The primaries are over and we are projecting that Barack Obama is liked by more black people than Hillary Clinton.
Hillary lost North Carolina, which is huge. They’re saying that the only way for Barack to lose is if he married Bill Clinton.
Will she quit? Not a chance. She will stay in this race for as long as it takes to elect John McCain president.
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