Sunday, March 30, 2008
My Brain Did Not Have Relations With My Tongue
Friday, March 28, 2008
I Mis-Remembered
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Former New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson says he still considers himself loyal to the Clinton family despite endorsing Barack Obama. Loyal! Even Bill was more faithful to Hillary than that!
John McCain is now 10 percent ahead of Hillary Clinton and 7 percent ahead of Barack Obama. This is after Iraq, a recession, and no healthcare. Imagine if the Republicans had actually done something.
According to a new poll out today, John McCain is now in a double digit lead over the Democrats. Give you an idea just how far ahead John McCain is in the polls, today Hillary offered him the vice presidency.
Some more embarrassing revelations for Hillary Clinton today. According to a report released by the national archives, it now seems that Hillary Clinton was in the White House the day Bill was having sex with Monica. In fact this is the first documented proof that Bill has had sex . . . with Hillary under the same roof.
Conan O'Brien
A new study shows that wine drinkers prefer Hillary Clinton to the other candidates. After hearing this, Bill Clinton asked, “How much wine have they had?"
A new survey shows that beer drinkers prefer John McCain to Hillary Clinton. Which is surprising because you’d think Hillary would be more popular with guys who like a “cold one.”
Jay Leno
Former New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson says he still considers himself loyal to the Clinton family despite endorsing Barack Obama. Loyal! Even Bill was more faithful to Hillary than that!
John McCain is now 10 percent ahead of Hillary Clinton and 7 percent ahead of Barack Obama. This is after Iraq, a recession, and no healthcare. Imagine if the Republicans had actually done something.
According to a new poll out today, John McCain is now in a double digit lead over the Democrats. Give you an idea just how far ahead John McCain is in the polls, today Hillary offered him the vice presidency.
Some more embarrassing revelations for Hillary Clinton today. According to a report released by the national archives, it now seems that Hillary Clinton was in the White House the day Bill was having sex with Monica. In fact this is the first documented proof that Bill has had sex . . . with Hillary under the same roof.
Conan O'Brien
A new study shows that wine drinkers prefer Hillary Clinton to the other candidates. After hearing this, Bill Clinton asked, “How much wine have they had?"
A new survey shows that beer drinkers prefer John McCain to Hillary Clinton. Which is surprising because you’d think Hillary would be more popular with guys who like a “cold one.”
Labels: HJ
Monday, March 24, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Hillary Clinton's Home Town
Bill and Hillary Clinton are driving in the country near Hillary's hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill stops at a gas station. The man at the gas station comes out and looks into the window.
"Hey, Hillary! We used to date in high school, do you remember me?" he asks.
They talk merrily for a few minutes. Bill pays, and they leave. As they drive, Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary.
"You used to date that guy? Just think what life would be if you hadn't married me," he says. Hillary looks at Bill and says to him,
"Well, I guess you'd be pumping gas and he'd be President"
Bill and Hillary Clinton are driving in the country near Hillary's hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill stops at a gas station. The man at the gas station comes out and looks into the window.
"Hey, Hillary! We used to date in high school, do you remember me?" he asks.
They talk merrily for a few minutes. Bill pays, and they leave. As they drive, Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary.
"You used to date that guy? Just think what life would be if you hadn't married me," he says. Hillary looks at Bill and says to him,
"Well, I guess you'd be pumping gas and he'd be President"
Friday, March 21, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
According to CNN News, John McCain would win if only beer drinkers voted. A Democrat, either Hillary or Barack, would win if only wine drinkers would vote. Here’s the interesting part: If we all got drunk on tequila, Ralph Nader might actually have a shot.
What’s going on with Geraldine Ferraro? She said a leprechaun wouldn’t be in the position he’s in if he wasn’t green.
Things are not looking good for the Democratic Party. In fact the tension between Barack and Hillary is almost as bad as the tension between Bill and Hillary.
Even Bill Clinton was upset that Spitzer went to a hotel. He said, “Come on, get a desk.”
With all the bad news about the economy today, John McCain started distancing himself from President Bush. In fact, McCain was running so fast from President Bush he ran into Barack Obama who was running from his minister, and Hillary was running from Geraldine Ferraro . . .
Conan O'Brien
Today Hillary Clinton said the war would end up costing $1 trillion. She wasn’t talking about Iraq, she was talking about her war with Barack Obama.
It’s been reported that Barack Obama’s Secret Service name is Renegade, and Hillary Clinton’s Secret Service name is Evergreen. Meanwhile, John McCain’s Secret Service name is Enlarged Prostate.
Yesterday Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had a private talk and agreed to stop attacking each other so harshly. Hillary told Barack, “We should pretend to like each other just like Bill and I do.”
Jay Leno
According to CNN News, John McCain would win if only beer drinkers voted. A Democrat, either Hillary or Barack, would win if only wine drinkers would vote. Here’s the interesting part: If we all got drunk on tequila, Ralph Nader might actually have a shot.
What’s going on with Geraldine Ferraro? She said a leprechaun wouldn’t be in the position he’s in if he wasn’t green.
Things are not looking good for the Democratic Party. In fact the tension between Barack and Hillary is almost as bad as the tension between Bill and Hillary.
Even Bill Clinton was upset that Spitzer went to a hotel. He said, “Come on, get a desk.”
With all the bad news about the economy today, John McCain started distancing himself from President Bush. In fact, McCain was running so fast from President Bush he ran into Barack Obama who was running from his minister, and Hillary was running from Geraldine Ferraro . . .
Conan O'Brien
Today Hillary Clinton said the war would end up costing $1 trillion. She wasn’t talking about Iraq, she was talking about her war with Barack Obama.
It’s been reported that Barack Obama’s Secret Service name is Renegade, and Hillary Clinton’s Secret Service name is Evergreen. Meanwhile, John McCain’s Secret Service name is Enlarged Prostate.
Yesterday Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had a private talk and agreed to stop attacking each other so harshly. Hillary told Barack, “We should pretend to like each other just like Bill and I do.”
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Yesterday - Today
Friday, March 14, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Conan O'Brien
Political experts say that before the scandal, Hillary Clinton had considered him for a possible running mate. Now, Hillary is considering Spitzer as a possible husband.
Because Eliot Spitzer is resigning as governor of New York, that means Hillary Clinton has lost another superdelegate. On the bright side, Bill Clinton has gained a super wingman.
Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain have all been claiming that they’re the most qualified person to answer the White House phone at 3 a.m. McCain said, “I'm the most qualified because I'm usually up at that hour peeing anyway."
Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain have all said that they are the person who should answer the phone at the White House if it rings at 3 a.m. Meanwhile, most Americans think that the White House should just get a receptionist.
Jay Leno
In political news, Hillary Clinton has been hinting that she and Barack Obama might share the Democratic ticket with her in the No. 1 position. She feels Barack Obama deserves some sort of consolation prize for getting the most votes and being the most popular.
Hillary Clinton criticized the media the other night, during the debates, for always asking her the first question. I don’t know. Is that her biggest concern? The way the polls are going right now, she’s very close to being asked her last question.
Hillary and Obama debated who the Republicans are most afraid of. I don’t want to take sides, but I think it’s pretty obvious who Republicans are most afraid of — John McCain.
Craig Ferguson
Hillary Clinton did very well this week. The Clintons say they’re a lot closer to getting back in the White House. Which Bill is very excited about so he can get these magazines he left under the mattress.
Everyone’s trying to figure out what happened at the primaries. Here it is: Barack Obama had the most delegates; Hillary Clinton had the most superdelegates; and John McCain had the most problem going to the bathroom.
It’s a great day for Hillary Clinton. The big primaries are tomorrow, and this may be the last great day she’ll have for a while.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Hillary Clinton won do-or-die primaries in Ohio, Rhode Island, and Texas. A lot of people thought she would be done today; this would be it. But like Bill always says, “Hillary does not go down without a fight.”
There have been charges of foul play. Obama has accused Clinton of smearing him by saying he is a Muslim or Muslim sympathizer; Clinton has accused Obama or his people of trying to dump a bucket of water on her to make her melt.
It’s still undecided: Obama won Vermont; Clinton won Rhode Island, which is a tiny little state. It’s only the size of a head of a pin.
It's like a war: Hillary has said, “If we pull out now, the guy I tried to make look like a terrorist wins.”
David Letterman
Hillary Clinton is down there in Texas, campaigning hard. She pulling out all the stops. Today, she was campaigning in a rawhide pantsuit.
Pundits say she has different personalities: One day she has one personality, the next day another. Today, she is Brunehilde, the dominatrix.
Hillary Clinton is trailing Barack Obama. She’s getting pretty desperate. Today, she accused Barack of attending a party at Jose Canseco’s house.
People are saying she has a new personality every day of the campaign. For instance, today, she is Madam Lasonga, the mind reader at the carnival.
Bill Clinton has been getting in the way of Hillary’s campaign. And she’s really upset about it. So upset, she’s encouraged him to start dating again.
Conan O'Brien
Political experts say that before the scandal, Hillary Clinton had considered him for a possible running mate. Now, Hillary is considering Spitzer as a possible husband.
Because Eliot Spitzer is resigning as governor of New York, that means Hillary Clinton has lost another superdelegate. On the bright side, Bill Clinton has gained a super wingman.
Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain have all been claiming that they’re the most qualified person to answer the White House phone at 3 a.m. McCain said, “I'm the most qualified because I'm usually up at that hour peeing anyway."
Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain have all said that they are the person who should answer the phone at the White House if it rings at 3 a.m. Meanwhile, most Americans think that the White House should just get a receptionist.
Jay Leno
In political news, Hillary Clinton has been hinting that she and Barack Obama might share the Democratic ticket with her in the No. 1 position. She feels Barack Obama deserves some sort of consolation prize for getting the most votes and being the most popular.
Hillary Clinton criticized the media the other night, during the debates, for always asking her the first question. I don’t know. Is that her biggest concern? The way the polls are going right now, she’s very close to being asked her last question.
Hillary and Obama debated who the Republicans are most afraid of. I don’t want to take sides, but I think it’s pretty obvious who Republicans are most afraid of — John McCain.
Craig Ferguson
Hillary Clinton did very well this week. The Clintons say they’re a lot closer to getting back in the White House. Which Bill is very excited about so he can get these magazines he left under the mattress.
Everyone’s trying to figure out what happened at the primaries. Here it is: Barack Obama had the most delegates; Hillary Clinton had the most superdelegates; and John McCain had the most problem going to the bathroom.
It’s a great day for Hillary Clinton. The big primaries are tomorrow, and this may be the last great day she’ll have for a while.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Hillary Clinton won do-or-die primaries in Ohio, Rhode Island, and Texas. A lot of people thought she would be done today; this would be it. But like Bill always says, “Hillary does not go down without a fight.”
There have been charges of foul play. Obama has accused Clinton of smearing him by saying he is a Muslim or Muslim sympathizer; Clinton has accused Obama or his people of trying to dump a bucket of water on her to make her melt.
It’s still undecided: Obama won Vermont; Clinton won Rhode Island, which is a tiny little state. It’s only the size of a head of a pin.
It's like a war: Hillary has said, “If we pull out now, the guy I tried to make look like a terrorist wins.”
David Letterman
Hillary Clinton is down there in Texas, campaigning hard. She pulling out all the stops. Today, she was campaigning in a rawhide pantsuit.
Pundits say she has different personalities: One day she has one personality, the next day another. Today, she is Brunehilde, the dominatrix.
Hillary Clinton is trailing Barack Obama. She’s getting pretty desperate. Today, she accused Barack of attending a party at Jose Canseco’s house.
People are saying she has a new personality every day of the campaign. For instance, today, she is Madam Lasonga, the mind reader at the carnival.
Bill Clinton has been getting in the way of Hillary’s campaign. And she’s really upset about it. So upset, she’s encouraged him to start dating again.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Hillary Clinton's Sandwich
On the Listening Tour, Hillary was pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town she was visiting had named a sandwich after her. She was somewhat less pleased after she found out what was in it. "Mostly baloney," said the proprietor.
On the Listening Tour, Hillary was pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town she was visiting had named a sandwich after her. She was somewhat less pleased after she found out what was in it. "Mostly baloney," said the proprietor.
Saturday, March 08, 2008
Lots Of Experience
Saturday, March 01, 2008
Don't Worry Hill
