Friday, March 14, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Conan O'Brien
Political experts say that before the scandal, Hillary Clinton had considered him for a possible running mate. Now, Hillary is considering Spitzer as a possible husband.
Because Eliot Spitzer is resigning as governor of New York, that means Hillary Clinton has lost another superdelegate. On the bright side, Bill Clinton has gained a super wingman.
Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain have all been claiming that they’re the most qualified person to answer the White House phone at 3 a.m. McCain said, “I'm the most qualified because I'm usually up at that hour peeing anyway."
Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain have all said that they are the person who should answer the phone at the White House if it rings at 3 a.m. Meanwhile, most Americans think that the White House should just get a receptionist.
Jay Leno
In political news, Hillary Clinton has been hinting that she and Barack Obama might share the Democratic ticket with her in the No. 1 position. She feels Barack Obama deserves some sort of consolation prize for getting the most votes and being the most popular.
Hillary Clinton criticized the media the other night, during the debates, for always asking her the first question. I don’t know. Is that her biggest concern? The way the polls are going right now, she’s very close to being asked her last question.
Hillary and Obama debated who the Republicans are most afraid of. I don’t want to take sides, but I think it’s pretty obvious who Republicans are most afraid of — John McCain.
Craig Ferguson
Hillary Clinton did very well this week. The Clintons say they’re a lot closer to getting back in the White House. Which Bill is very excited about so he can get these magazines he left under the mattress.
Everyone’s trying to figure out what happened at the primaries. Here it is: Barack Obama had the most delegates; Hillary Clinton had the most superdelegates; and John McCain had the most problem going to the bathroom.
It’s a great day for Hillary Clinton. The big primaries are tomorrow, and this may be the last great day she’ll have for a while.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Hillary Clinton won do-or-die primaries in Ohio, Rhode Island, and Texas. A lot of people thought she would be done today; this would be it. But like Bill always says, “Hillary does not go down without a fight.”
There have been charges of foul play. Obama has accused Clinton of smearing him by saying he is a Muslim or Muslim sympathizer; Clinton has accused Obama or his people of trying to dump a bucket of water on her to make her melt.
It’s still undecided: Obama won Vermont; Clinton won Rhode Island, which is a tiny little state. It’s only the size of a head of a pin.
It's like a war: Hillary has said, “If we pull out now, the guy I tried to make look like a terrorist wins.”
David Letterman
Hillary Clinton is down there in Texas, campaigning hard. She pulling out all the stops. Today, she was campaigning in a rawhide pantsuit.
Pundits say she has different personalities: One day she has one personality, the next day another. Today, she is Brunehilde, the dominatrix.
Hillary Clinton is trailing Barack Obama. She’s getting pretty desperate. Today, she accused Barack of attending a party at Jose Canseco’s house.
People are saying she has a new personality every day of the campaign. For instance, today, she is Madam Lasonga, the mind reader at the carnival.
Bill Clinton has been getting in the way of Hillary’s campaign. And she’s really upset about it. So upset, she’s encouraged him to start dating again.
Conan O'Brien
Political experts say that before the scandal, Hillary Clinton had considered him for a possible running mate. Now, Hillary is considering Spitzer as a possible husband.
Because Eliot Spitzer is resigning as governor of New York, that means Hillary Clinton has lost another superdelegate. On the bright side, Bill Clinton has gained a super wingman.
Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain have all been claiming that they’re the most qualified person to answer the White House phone at 3 a.m. McCain said, “I'm the most qualified because I'm usually up at that hour peeing anyway."
Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain have all said that they are the person who should answer the phone at the White House if it rings at 3 a.m. Meanwhile, most Americans think that the White House should just get a receptionist.
Jay Leno
In political news, Hillary Clinton has been hinting that she and Barack Obama might share the Democratic ticket with her in the No. 1 position. She feels Barack Obama deserves some sort of consolation prize for getting the most votes and being the most popular.
Hillary Clinton criticized the media the other night, during the debates, for always asking her the first question. I don’t know. Is that her biggest concern? The way the polls are going right now, she’s very close to being asked her last question.
Hillary and Obama debated who the Republicans are most afraid of. I don’t want to take sides, but I think it’s pretty obvious who Republicans are most afraid of — John McCain.
Craig Ferguson
Hillary Clinton did very well this week. The Clintons say they’re a lot closer to getting back in the White House. Which Bill is very excited about so he can get these magazines he left under the mattress.
Everyone’s trying to figure out what happened at the primaries. Here it is: Barack Obama had the most delegates; Hillary Clinton had the most superdelegates; and John McCain had the most problem going to the bathroom.
It’s a great day for Hillary Clinton. The big primaries are tomorrow, and this may be the last great day she’ll have for a while.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Hillary Clinton won do-or-die primaries in Ohio, Rhode Island, and Texas. A lot of people thought she would be done today; this would be it. But like Bill always says, “Hillary does not go down without a fight.”
There have been charges of foul play. Obama has accused Clinton of smearing him by saying he is a Muslim or Muslim sympathizer; Clinton has accused Obama or his people of trying to dump a bucket of water on her to make her melt.
It’s still undecided: Obama won Vermont; Clinton won Rhode Island, which is a tiny little state. It’s only the size of a head of a pin.
It's like a war: Hillary has said, “If we pull out now, the guy I tried to make look like a terrorist wins.”
David Letterman
Hillary Clinton is down there in Texas, campaigning hard. She pulling out all the stops. Today, she was campaigning in a rawhide pantsuit.
Pundits say she has different personalities: One day she has one personality, the next day another. Today, she is Brunehilde, the dominatrix.
Hillary Clinton is trailing Barack Obama. She’s getting pretty desperate. Today, she accused Barack of attending a party at Jose Canseco’s house.
People are saying she has a new personality every day of the campaign. For instance, today, she is Madam Lasonga, the mind reader at the carnival.
Bill Clinton has been getting in the way of Hillary’s campaign. And she’s really upset about it. So upset, she’s encouraged him to start dating again.
