Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
It was so hot, Hillary Clinton challenged Barack Obama to another debate just so she could get the cold shoulder.
After that long, drawn-out primary in Pennsylvania, our choices are still the same. You've got McCain, Obama, and Clinton. Or to use their pro-wrestling names: the Geezer, the Pleaser, or the Freezer.
Big announcement today from the Hillary Clinton campaign. She says if you count the votes that don't count, she's winning.
As you know, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are now arguing over who has received the most overall votes during the primaries. Hillary's people have one way of counting, the popular vote, and Barack's people have another way of counting. I'm beginning to understand why the Democrats keep blowing all these elections — they haven't figured out how to count votes.
Conan O'Brien
Hillary Clinton says she’s willing to debate Barack Obama “anytime, anywhere” and would even meet him in the back of a truck. Which is surprising, because the “anytime, anywhere, even in the back of a truck” offer is usually made by Bill Clinton.
After the Pennsylvania primary, Barack Obama has resigned himself for a long, drawn-out battle with Hillary Clinton. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “Yeah . . . join the club.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Hillary Clinton Is Exhausted
10. Spends most of her time campaigning in Sleepy's mattress stores
9. Barely has enough energy to lie about battling Bosnian snipers
8. Last night, spent 2 hours debating a coat rack
7. Agreed not to dispute Florida and Michigan delegates in exchange for a nap
6. Announced a new tax break for kitties
5. Greeted Philadelphia voters with, "It's great to be back in Tacoma!"
4. She's mismatching her pantsuits
3. When asked how she'd fight terrorism, she said, "Two words: Iron Man"
2. 3 a.m. phone call? "Let the machine get it"
1. So tired, she actually crawled in to bed with Bill
Jay Leno
It was so hot, Hillary Clinton challenged Barack Obama to another debate just so she could get the cold shoulder.
After that long, drawn-out primary in Pennsylvania, our choices are still the same. You've got McCain, Obama, and Clinton. Or to use their pro-wrestling names: the Geezer, the Pleaser, or the Freezer.
Big announcement today from the Hillary Clinton campaign. She says if you count the votes that don't count, she's winning.
As you know, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are now arguing over who has received the most overall votes during the primaries. Hillary's people have one way of counting, the popular vote, and Barack's people have another way of counting. I'm beginning to understand why the Democrats keep blowing all these elections — they haven't figured out how to count votes.
Conan O'Brien
Hillary Clinton says she’s willing to debate Barack Obama “anytime, anywhere” and would even meet him in the back of a truck. Which is surprising, because the “anytime, anywhere, even in the back of a truck” offer is usually made by Bill Clinton.
After the Pennsylvania primary, Barack Obama has resigned himself for a long, drawn-out battle with Hillary Clinton. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “Yeah . . . join the club.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Hillary Clinton Is Exhausted
10. Spends most of her time campaigning in Sleepy's mattress stores
9. Barely has enough energy to lie about battling Bosnian snipers
8. Last night, spent 2 hours debating a coat rack
7. Agreed not to dispute Florida and Michigan delegates in exchange for a nap
6. Announced a new tax break for kitties
5. Greeted Philadelphia voters with, "It's great to be back in Tacoma!"
4. She's mismatching her pantsuits
3. When asked how she'd fight terrorism, she said, "Two words: Iron Man"
2. 3 a.m. phone call? "Let the machine get it"
1. So tired, she actually crawled in to bed with Bill
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Do The Math
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Hillary Clinton
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton still attacking Barack Obama. She said that Barack seemed to be complaining about being asked so many questions. She said, “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.” Don’t confuse that with what she said about Bill Clinton: “When he’s in heat, stay out of the Oval Office.”
David Letterman
Today, Hillary Clinton got the support of the wives of the polygamy sect.
Tomorrow is the primary, and Hillary is trying to appeal to the working class. Today, she was campaigning in her blue-collar pantsuit.
Conan O'Brien
This weekend, Chelsea Clinton tried to help her mother attract the gay vote in Pennsylvania by visiting several lesbian bars. When asked to comment afterwards, Chelsea said, “I’ve never seen so many women with my mom’s haircut.”
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton still attacking Barack Obama. She said that Barack seemed to be complaining about being asked so many questions. She said, “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.” Don’t confuse that with what she said about Bill Clinton: “When he’s in heat, stay out of the Oval Office.”
David Letterman
Today, Hillary Clinton got the support of the wives of the polygamy sect.
Tomorrow is the primary, and Hillary is trying to appeal to the working class. Today, she was campaigning in her blue-collar pantsuit.
Conan O'Brien
This weekend, Chelsea Clinton tried to help her mother attract the gay vote in Pennsylvania by visiting several lesbian bars. When asked to comment afterwards, Chelsea said, “I’ve never seen so many women with my mom’s haircut.”
Monday, April 21, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
I watched the debate between Hillary and Barack last night. As you know Hillary is trying to appeal to the blue-collar voters. She's drinking; she's talking about hunting and fishing. And it's working. In the latest poll she's up eight points in the "mullet vote."
David Letterman
Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton debated again tonight. Hillary is getting a little desperate. Before the debate, she went over to his podium and buried a Michael Dukakis jersey.
The Pope is in the United States. Hillary Clinton declined to meet him at the airport . . . you know, she was worried about sniper fire.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Sens. Clinton and Obama debated in Philadelphia. Their 21st debate. Which to me, is about 16 too many.
Hopefully this will be the final debate between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton tonight. They’ve had 21 debates. It seems they almost don’t have anything left to say to each other. It’s probably just as well they didn’t say anything to each other. It was elimination night on “American Idol.” Nobody watched the debate anyway.
Jay Leno
I watched the debate between Hillary and Barack last night. As you know Hillary is trying to appeal to the blue-collar voters. She's drinking; she's talking about hunting and fishing. And it's working. In the latest poll she's up eight points in the "mullet vote."
David Letterman
Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton debated again tonight. Hillary is getting a little desperate. Before the debate, she went over to his podium and buried a Michael Dukakis jersey.
The Pope is in the United States. Hillary Clinton declined to meet him at the airport . . . you know, she was worried about sniper fire.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Sens. Clinton and Obama debated in Philadelphia. Their 21st debate. Which to me, is about 16 too many.
Hopefully this will be the final debate between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton tonight. They’ve had 21 debates. It seems they almost don’t have anything left to say to each other. It’s probably just as well they didn’t say anything to each other. It was elimination night on “American Idol.” Nobody watched the debate anyway.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Today, they asked President Bush what he thought about Hillary calling Barack Obama an elitist. He said, “elitist, Methodist, Lutheran. As long as you’re a Christian . . .”
Hillary Clinton said he was elitist and out of touch with poor people. Later, Bill Clinton gave a speech on the subject and charged a million bucks for it.
John Kerry later stepped forward and said, “What’s wrong with being elitist?”
Hillary Clinton was shown in a bar in Indiana drinking a beer and doing a shot of whiskey. It worked — today, Ted Kennedy switched back to Hillary.
More bad news for the Detroit Tigers; they lost again last night. After winning the night before. They are now one in eight. They won one and lost eight. Or as Hillary Clinton calls that, first place.
A fire burned Hillary Clinton’s campaign office in Terre Haute, Ind. I knew Hillary’s campaign was facing financial trouble but when you’re burning the building down for the insurance money, that’s not a good sign.
Hillary was very upset by the fire. Luckily she says she was glad she was able to run into the burning building, save six children, and then run back in to rescue three puppies.
Experts are suggesting that if Hillary loses Pennsylvania, she could be finished. I don’t want to say Hillary’s days might be numbered, but her new Secret Service codename is Katie Couric.
Jay Leno
Today, they asked President Bush what he thought about Hillary calling Barack Obama an elitist. He said, “elitist, Methodist, Lutheran. As long as you’re a Christian . . .”
Hillary Clinton said he was elitist and out of touch with poor people. Later, Bill Clinton gave a speech on the subject and charged a million bucks for it.
John Kerry later stepped forward and said, “What’s wrong with being elitist?”
Hillary Clinton was shown in a bar in Indiana drinking a beer and doing a shot of whiskey. It worked — today, Ted Kennedy switched back to Hillary.
More bad news for the Detroit Tigers; they lost again last night. After winning the night before. They are now one in eight. They won one and lost eight. Or as Hillary Clinton calls that, first place.
A fire burned Hillary Clinton’s campaign office in Terre Haute, Ind. I knew Hillary’s campaign was facing financial trouble but when you’re burning the building down for the insurance money, that’s not a good sign.
Hillary was very upset by the fire. Luckily she says she was glad she was able to run into the burning building, save six children, and then run back in to rescue three puppies.
Experts are suggesting that if Hillary loses Pennsylvania, she could be finished. I don’t want to say Hillary’s days might be numbered, but her new Secret Service codename is Katie Couric.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Sunday, April 06, 2008
The 3am Phone Call
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Stay In The Race
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
American Liar
