Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Former New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson says he still considers himself loyal to the Clinton family despite endorsing Barack Obama. Loyal! Even Bill was more faithful to Hillary than that!
John McCain is now 10 percent ahead of Hillary Clinton and 7 percent ahead of Barack Obama. This is after Iraq, a recession, and no healthcare. Imagine if the Republicans had actually done something.
According to a new poll out today, John McCain is now in a double digit lead over the Democrats. Give you an idea just how far ahead John McCain is in the polls, today Hillary offered him the vice presidency.
Some more embarrassing revelations for Hillary Clinton today. According to a report released by the national archives, it now seems that Hillary Clinton was in the White House the day Bill was having sex with Monica. In fact this is the first documented proof that Bill has had sex . . . with Hillary under the same roof.
Conan O'Brien
A new study shows that wine drinkers prefer Hillary Clinton to the other candidates. After hearing this, Bill Clinton asked, “How much wine have they had?"
A new survey shows that beer drinkers prefer John McCain to Hillary Clinton. Which is surprising because you’d think Hillary would be more popular with guys who like a “cold one.”
Jay Leno
Former New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson says he still considers himself loyal to the Clinton family despite endorsing Barack Obama. Loyal! Even Bill was more faithful to Hillary than that!
John McCain is now 10 percent ahead of Hillary Clinton and 7 percent ahead of Barack Obama. This is after Iraq, a recession, and no healthcare. Imagine if the Republicans had actually done something.
According to a new poll out today, John McCain is now in a double digit lead over the Democrats. Give you an idea just how far ahead John McCain is in the polls, today Hillary offered him the vice presidency.
Some more embarrassing revelations for Hillary Clinton today. According to a report released by the national archives, it now seems that Hillary Clinton was in the White House the day Bill was having sex with Monica. In fact this is the first documented proof that Bill has had sex . . . with Hillary under the same roof.
Conan O'Brien
A new study shows that wine drinkers prefer Hillary Clinton to the other candidates. After hearing this, Bill Clinton asked, “How much wine have they had?"
A new survey shows that beer drinkers prefer John McCain to Hillary Clinton. Which is surprising because you’d think Hillary would be more popular with guys who like a “cold one.”
Labels: HJ
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
And congratulations to Mike Huckabee the Republican winner. Just one appearance on the "Tonight Show" and he won!
Hillary Clinton came in third . . .third! Apparently she chose the wrong talk show to appear on.
One of Hillary's campaign people said, "Last night's defeat is just a bump in the road." Kind of like the scene in "Titanic" when the guy goes, "What was that?" "Oh just an iceberg . . ."
Craig Ferguson
Now that the Iowa caucus is over, Bill Clinton is hitting the campaign trail for his wife. He said, "There are two things I want to say aboput Hillary. First, I'd still vote for her even if we had never married . . . and . . . Sorry, I forgot the second one . . . I'm still thinking about if we never got married."
Jay Leno
And congratulations to Mike Huckabee the Republican winner. Just one appearance on the "Tonight Show" and he won!
Hillary Clinton came in third . . .third! Apparently she chose the wrong talk show to appear on.
One of Hillary's campaign people said, "Last night's defeat is just a bump in the road." Kind of like the scene in "Titanic" when the guy goes, "What was that?" "Oh just an iceberg . . ."
Craig Ferguson
Now that the Iowa caucus is over, Bill Clinton is hitting the campaign trail for his wife. He said, "There are two things I want to say aboput Hillary. First, I'd still vote for her even if we had never married . . . and . . . Sorry, I forgot the second one . . . I'm still thinking about if we never got married."
Labels: HJ
Saturday, January 05, 2008
The Great Wizard of Oz
The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."
"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain."
"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"
Up stepped George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."
There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
"Is Dorothy here?"
The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."
"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain."
"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"
Up stepped George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."
There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
"Is Dorothy here?"
Labels: HJ
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
It’s freezing in Iowa. It’s like 20 degrees in Iowa. In fact, it is so cold, Hillary Clinton can actually see Barack Obama’s breath breathing down her neck.
Jay Leno
It’s freezing in Iowa. It’s like 20 degrees in Iowa. In fact, it is so cold, Hillary Clinton can actually see Barack Obama’s breath breathing down her neck.
Labels: HJ
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Hillary Sandwich
On the Listening Tour, Hillary was pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town she was visiting had named a sandwich after her.
She was somewhat less pleased after she found out what was in it. "Mostly baloney," said the proprietor.
On the Listening Tour, Hillary was pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town she was visiting had named a sandwich after her.
She was somewhat less pleased after she found out what was in it. "Mostly baloney," said the proprietor.
Labels: HJ
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Hillary and the old cow
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car.
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow.
She stayed in the car making phone calls.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray.
He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you," asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car.
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow.
She stayed in the car making phone calls.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray.
He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you," asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."
Labels: HJ
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Hillary Clinton Commemorative Stamp
The US Postal Service has issued a recall of a stamp they created with a picture of Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements while serving as the First Lady of our nation.
The problem was discovered when claims had been made that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes, and that mail which had been sent using the "Hillary" postage was not being delivered. Senator Clinton demanded a full investigation into the allegations.
A special Postal Service Investigation team was formed and after several months and many dollars spent, made the following findings:
*The stamp was manufactured properly.
*There was nothing wrong with the adhesive.
*People were just spitting on the wrong side
The US Postal Service has issued a recall of a stamp they created with a picture of Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements while serving as the First Lady of our nation.
The problem was discovered when claims had been made that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes, and that mail which had been sent using the "Hillary" postage was not being delivered. Senator Clinton demanded a full investigation into the allegations.
A special Postal Service Investigation team was formed and after several months and many dollars spent, made the following findings:
*The stamp was manufactured properly.
*There was nothing wrong with the adhesive.
*People were just spitting on the wrong side
Labels: HJ
Sunday, December 23, 2007
The 10 Stupidest Things Hillary Clinton Has Ever Said
10. "I have to confess that it's crossed my mind that you could not be a Republican and a Christian."
9. "God bless the America we are trying to create."
8. "We have a lot of kids who don't know what works means. They think work is a four-letter word."
7. “He ran a gas station down in St. Louis... No, Mahatma Gandhi was a great leader of the 20th century.” –introducing a quote by Mahatma Gandhi
6. “Who is going to find out? These women are trash. Nobody’s going to believe them.” –on Bill Clinton’s bimbo eruptions
5. “If I didn’t kick his ass every day, he wouldn’t be worth anything.” –on Bill Clinton
4. "I suppose I could have stayed home and baked cookies and had teas, but what I decided to do was to fulfill my profession which I entered before my husband was in public life."
3. "We are going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good."
2. "I have said that I'm not running and I'm having a great time being pres — being a first-term senator." —on her presidential ambitions
1. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
10. "I have to confess that it's crossed my mind that you could not be a Republican and a Christian."
9. "God bless the America we are trying to create."
8. "We have a lot of kids who don't know what works means. They think work is a four-letter word."
7. “He ran a gas station down in St. Louis... No, Mahatma Gandhi was a great leader of the 20th century.” –introducing a quote by Mahatma Gandhi
6. “Who is going to find out? These women are trash. Nobody’s going to believe them.” –on Bill Clinton’s bimbo eruptions
5. “If I didn’t kick his ass every day, he wouldn’t be worth anything.” –on Bill Clinton
4. "I suppose I could have stayed home and baked cookies and had teas, but what I decided to do was to fulfill my profession which I entered before my husband was in public life."
3. "We are going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good."
2. "I have said that I'm not running and I'm having a great time being pres — being a first-term senator." —on her presidential ambitions
1. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
Labels: HJ
Monday, December 17, 2007
Fortune Teller
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
Labels: HJ
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Hillary and the Puppies
Hillary was walking down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had. She goes up to the girl and says, "Little girl, I think that it's wonderful that you're doing such a good thing."
The little girl says, "Thank you, Mrs. Clinton. Would you like a puppy? They're Democrats."
She declines and moves on. The next day she passes the same girl and decides to talk to her again. "You know what, little girl? I think I'll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they're Democrats."
The girl says, "I'm sorry Mrs. Clinton, but they're not Democrats any more. They're Republicans now."
Hillary says, "They are? How do you know? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats at first to begin with?"
She says, "Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open."
Hillary was walking down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had. She goes up to the girl and says, "Little girl, I think that it's wonderful that you're doing such a good thing."
The little girl says, "Thank you, Mrs. Clinton. Would you like a puppy? They're Democrats."
She declines and moves on. The next day she passes the same girl and decides to talk to her again. "You know what, little girl? I think I'll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they're Democrats."
The girl says, "I'm sorry Mrs. Clinton, but they're not Democrats any more. They're Republicans now."
Hillary says, "They are? How do you know? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats at first to begin with?"
She says, "Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open."
Labels: HJ
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Hillary's Deal With the Devil
Hillary was finishing up a day as Senator for New York when the Devil suddenly appeared in her office and made her an offer...
"I am here to offer you a deal," the Devil said. "I will give you unlimited wealth, even more power, and a media that will pander to your every whim. In return, all I ask for is your soul, the souls of every member of your family, and the souls of all your constituents."
Hillary pondered for a moment and then asked, "Unlimited wealth and power?"
"Absolutely unlimited," the Devil asserted.
"A pandering media?" she asked.
"They'll fall over themselves to support you, no matter what you say or do," the Devil assured.
"And you want my soul, my family's souls, and the souls of my constituents?" she asked.
"Yes. All of them," the Devil answered.
Hillary was deep in thought for a moment, then finally spoke:
"So...what's the catch?"
Hillary was finishing up a day as Senator for New York when the Devil suddenly appeared in her office and made her an offer...
"I am here to offer you a deal," the Devil said. "I will give you unlimited wealth, even more power, and a media that will pander to your every whim. In return, all I ask for is your soul, the souls of every member of your family, and the souls of all your constituents."
Hillary pondered for a moment and then asked, "Unlimited wealth and power?"
"Absolutely unlimited," the Devil asserted.
"A pandering media?" she asked.
"They'll fall over themselves to support you, no matter what you say or do," the Devil assured.
"And you want my soul, my family's souls, and the souls of my constituents?" she asked.
"Yes. All of them," the Devil answered.
Hillary was deep in thought for a moment, then finally spoke:
"So...what's the catch?"
Labels: HJ
Friday, November 30, 2007
Late Night Jokes
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton sais that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic Athlete. But she was not athletic enough.
She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women.
She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy.
Should she be telling this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else."
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton sais that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic Athlete. But she was not athletic enough.
She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women.
She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy.
Should she be telling this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else."
Labels: HJ
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Parachute
A Plane with 4 passengers is about to crash, but has only three parachutes. The first passenger says "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA Basketball player. The Lakers need me. I can't afford to die." So he takes the first parachute and leaces the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton. says "I an the wife of the former President of the United States. I am the most ambitious woman in the world. I am also a New York Senator, a potential future President, and above all, the smartest women in America." She grabs the second parachute and leaves the plane.
The 3rd passenger, The Rev. Billy Graham, says to the fourth passenger, a 10 year old school boy, "I am old and I don't have many years left. As a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The boy says, "It's okay. There is still a parachute left for you.
America's smartest women took my school backpack."
A Plane with 4 passengers is about to crash, but has only three parachutes. The first passenger says "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA Basketball player. The Lakers need me. I can't afford to die." So he takes the first parachute and leaces the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton. says "I an the wife of the former President of the United States. I am the most ambitious woman in the world. I am also a New York Senator, a potential future President, and above all, the smartest women in America." She grabs the second parachute and leaves the plane.
The 3rd passenger, The Rev. Billy Graham, says to the fourth passenger, a 10 year old school boy, "I am old and I don't have many years left. As a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The boy says, "It's okay. There is still a parachute left for you.
America's smartest women took my school backpack."
Labels: HJ
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Her 40th Anniversary
Bill and Hillary were married 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."
Bill and Hillary were married 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."
Labels: HJ
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
The Hottest Selling Political Bumper Sticker
Finally, a new bumper sticker for BOTH political parties.
This hottest selling political bumper sticker comes from New York State:
"RUN HILARY RUN'
Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper.
Finally, a new bumper sticker for BOTH political parties.
This hottest selling political bumper sticker comes from New York State:
"RUN HILARY RUN'
Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper.
Labels: HJ
Friday, November 16, 2007
Hillary and a Cowboy
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, on an airliner bound for Texas, finds herself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans, and a cowboy hat.
Thinking herself above the old cowboy, she decides to make sport of him.
"You know," she says, "I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger.
So, let's talk."
The cowboy looks at her wryly and says, "Well I s'pose that'd be all right, m'am. What'd ya like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says Hillary with a slight hint of sarcasm.
"How about Iraq?"
"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing an attempt to perhaps belittle him, "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first: Horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
Dumbfounded, Senator Clinton replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me, then," says the cowboy with a smile. "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss Iraq when you don't know sh-t?
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, on an airliner bound for Texas, finds herself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans, and a cowboy hat.
Thinking herself above the old cowboy, she decides to make sport of him.
"You know," she says, "I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger.
So, let's talk."
The cowboy looks at her wryly and says, "Well I s'pose that'd be all right, m'am. What'd ya like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says Hillary with a slight hint of sarcasm.
"How about Iraq?"
"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing an attempt to perhaps belittle him, "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first: Horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
Dumbfounded, Senator Clinton replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me, then," says the cowboy with a smile. "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss Iraq when you don't know sh-t?
Labels: HJ
Monday, November 12, 2007
Hillary Clinton Gets Some Advice
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House.
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie,"
Ouch! Says Hillary, I don't know about that.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people,"
Ho! I really don't want to do that.
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House.
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie,"
Ouch! Says Hillary, I don't know about that.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people,"
Ho! I really don't want to do that.
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
Labels: HJ
