Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Conan O'Brien
Here’s an odd one: Argentina’s first lady was elected the new president of Argentina, which makes the former president the new “first spouse.” Or as President Bill Clinton calls him, “My future wing man.”
Craig Ferguson
There was a new survey on the scariest costume for Halloween. People say the scariest costume is Hillary Clinton. She got 300 votes — most of them from Bill, probably.
Bill said, “Take off the mask, honey . . . No, put it back on. I’m scared.”
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton was on “The View” the other day. She was asking Barbara Walters for advice. Like of people don’t know this, Barbara Walters was very instrumental in helping to elect William Howard Taft.
David Letterman
Campaign news: Hillary Clinton, so far, has raised $35 million. Whoa. Here’s how they break that down: $5 million for advertising, $30 million for pantsuits.
She raised $35 million in three months — that’s the most money raised by any woman if you don’t count what Oprah has made since March.
Yesterday Hillary Clinton was a guest on “The View.” Just when you thought that panel couldn’t get any hotter.
Conan O'Brien
Here’s an odd one: Argentina’s first lady was elected the new president of Argentina, which makes the former president the new “first spouse.” Or as President Bill Clinton calls him, “My future wing man.”
Craig Ferguson
There was a new survey on the scariest costume for Halloween. People say the scariest costume is Hillary Clinton. She got 300 votes — most of them from Bill, probably.
Bill said, “Take off the mask, honey . . . No, put it back on. I’m scared.”
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton was on “The View” the other day. She was asking Barbara Walters for advice. Like of people don’t know this, Barbara Walters was very instrumental in helping to elect William Howard Taft.
David Letterman
Campaign news: Hillary Clinton, so far, has raised $35 million. Whoa. Here’s how they break that down: $5 million for advertising, $30 million for pantsuits.
She raised $35 million in three months — that’s the most money raised by any woman if you don’t count what Oprah has made since March.
Yesterday Hillary Clinton was a guest on “The View.” Just when you thought that panel couldn’t get any hotter.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Cheating Husband
Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job over three years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bullshit with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed,
Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York, act like it!
Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job over three years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bullshit with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed,
Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York, act like it!
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Hillary Clinton Visits School Children
Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth."
"And what is your question, Kenneth?"
"I have three questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And, Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Larry."
"And what is your question, Larry?"
"I have five questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And, Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?
Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth."
"And what is your question, Kenneth?"
"I have three questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And, Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Larry."
"And what is your question, Larry?"
"I have five questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And, Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?
Friday, October 26, 2007
Hillary Bewitched
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Seven Dwarfs & Hillary Clinton
One day, the seven dwarfs left to go work in the mine. Snow White stayed home to prepare lunch.
When she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst. Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that some of the dwarfs had survived.
"Hello, hello," she called. "Can anyone hear me? Hello" For quite a while there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White called again, "Hello. Is anyone down there?"
Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint voice from deep in the mine. The voice said, "Vote for Hillary. Vote for Hillary."
Snow White, somewhat relieved screamed out, "Oh, thank God. Dopey is still alive."
One day, the seven dwarfs left to go work in the mine. Snow White stayed home to prepare lunch.
When she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst. Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that some of the dwarfs had survived.
"Hello, hello," she called. "Can anyone hear me? Hello" For quite a while there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White called again, "Hello. Is anyone down there?"
Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint voice from deep in the mine. The voice said, "Vote for Hillary. Vote for Hillary."
Snow White, somewhat relieved screamed out, "Oh, thank God. Dopey is still alive."
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Hillary Caught in an Embarrassing Moment
Monday, October 22, 2007
Foreign Affairs
When Hillary Clinton was asked what she thought about foreign affairs, her reply, "Not sure, but I don't think Bill had one."
When Hillary Clinton was asked what she thought about foreign affairs, her reply, "Not sure, but I don't think Bill had one."
Friday, October 19, 2007
Three Arkansas Surgeons
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best Surgeon in Arkansas . In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England .
The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics.
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ###. I was able to put them together and now she's running for President.
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best Surgeon in Arkansas . In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England .
The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics.
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ###. I was able to put them together and now she's running for President.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
You had toAsk Her How She Was Going To Pay For All Of Her Government Programs
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
3 boys save Hillary from Drowing
One day Hillary Clinton accidentally tripped and fell off a bridge into the cold water below. Three 10 year old boys were playing along the river and saw her fall in so they all jumped in and dragged him to shore.
Hillary was so thankful that he told each of them, "Boys, you just saved the future President of the United States and each of you deserve a reward. You guys just name it."
The first boy says, "I want to go to Disneyland!" "I'll take you there myself in Air Force One!" exclaims Hillary.
The second boy says, "I want a brand new pair of autographed Nike Air Jordan's." "I'll buy them for you myself," says Hillary.
"And I want a motorized wheelchair with a stereo built into it with custom speakers" the third boy says.
Hillary looks at the boy and says, "But, son, you don't look like you are handicapped to me."
The boy replies, "I'm going to be when my dad finds out I saved your ### from drowning!"
One day Hillary Clinton accidentally tripped and fell off a bridge into the cold water below. Three 10 year old boys were playing along the river and saw her fall in so they all jumped in and dragged him to shore.
Hillary was so thankful that he told each of them, "Boys, you just saved the future President of the United States and each of you deserve a reward. You guys just name it."
The first boy says, "I want to go to Disneyland!" "I'll take you there myself in Air Force One!" exclaims Hillary.
The second boy says, "I want a brand new pair of autographed Nike Air Jordan's." "I'll buy them for you myself," says Hillary.
"And I want a motorized wheelchair with a stereo built into it with custom speakers" the third boy says.
Hillary looks at the boy and says, "But, son, you don't look like you are handicapped to me."
The boy replies, "I'm going to be when my dad finds out I saved your ### from drowning!"
Monday, October 15, 2007
Hillary Care
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
David Letterman
Campaign news: Hillary Clinton, so far, has raised $35 million. Whoa. Here’s how they break that down: $5 million for advertising, $30 million for pantsuits.
She raised $35 million in three months — that’s the most money raised by any woman if you don’t count what Oprah has made since March.
Yesterday Hillary Clinton was a guest on “The View.” Just when you thought that panel couldn’t get any hotter.
It’s the Clintons 32nd wedding anniversary. Even after 32 years, Bill planned a very romantic evening . . . candlelight dinner . . . dancing . . . and then home to Hillary.
Jay Leno
Barack Obama is attacking some of Hillary Clinton’s comments on torture. At one point, Hillary had said that “in some narrow cases torture could be acceptable.” Like, for example, if your husband is sneaking in at 2:30 in the morning . . .
A lot of people are wondering now if Al Gore will run for president. Which would make it a Gore vs. Hillary Democratic primary. Kind of a global warming vs. global cooling.
Conan O'Brien
This morning, Sen. Hillary Clinton appeared on “The View.” It was an awkward moment when Hillary looked around and said, “Good Lord, I’m the hottest one here.”
David Letterman
Campaign news: Hillary Clinton, so far, has raised $35 million. Whoa. Here’s how they break that down: $5 million for advertising, $30 million for pantsuits.
She raised $35 million in three months — that’s the most money raised by any woman if you don’t count what Oprah has made since March.
Yesterday Hillary Clinton was a guest on “The View.” Just when you thought that panel couldn’t get any hotter.
It’s the Clintons 32nd wedding anniversary. Even after 32 years, Bill planned a very romantic evening . . . candlelight dinner . . . dancing . . . and then home to Hillary.
Jay Leno
Barack Obama is attacking some of Hillary Clinton’s comments on torture. At one point, Hillary had said that “in some narrow cases torture could be acceptable.” Like, for example, if your husband is sneaking in at 2:30 in the morning . . .
A lot of people are wondering now if Al Gore will run for president. Which would make it a Gore vs. Hillary Democratic primary. Kind of a global warming vs. global cooling.
Conan O'Brien
This morning, Sen. Hillary Clinton appeared on “The View.” It was an awkward moment when Hillary looked around and said, “Good Lord, I’m the hottest one here.”
Saturday, October 13, 2007
A Little Closer .. Closer
Friday, October 12, 2007
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
All Hail Queen Hillary!?!
( We Think Not. )
( We Think Not. )
Monday, October 08, 2007
Hillary Care
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
It’s starting to get nasty out on the campaign trail. This week a spokesman for John Edwards is accusing Barack Obama of stealing John Edwards’ ideas. Obama apparently has a secret plan to slip into third place.
Barack Obama announced he is flying back home to Chicago to have a have a hot 15th wedding anniversary date with his wife. Every candidate spends their anniversary differently — Rudy Giuliani spends his trying to remember which wife he’s married to, Hillary Clinton spends her wedding anniversary trying to track down Bill, and Fred Thompson spends his helping his young wife with her homework.
Hillary Clinton says that she wants give every baby born in America $5,000. Today Michael Jackson said, “I’ll make it $6,000.”
Jay Leno
It’s starting to get nasty out on the campaign trail. This week a spokesman for John Edwards is accusing Barack Obama of stealing John Edwards’ ideas. Obama apparently has a secret plan to slip into third place.
Barack Obama announced he is flying back home to Chicago to have a have a hot 15th wedding anniversary date with his wife. Every candidate spends their anniversary differently — Rudy Giuliani spends his trying to remember which wife he’s married to, Hillary Clinton spends her wedding anniversary trying to track down Bill, and Fred Thompson spends his helping his young wife with her homework.
Hillary Clinton says that she wants give every baby born in America $5,000. Today Michael Jackson said, “I’ll make it $6,000.”
Saturday, October 06, 2007
Hillary Care
Friday, October 05, 2007
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton has proposed that 5,000 dollars be given to every baby born in America. Five thousand dollars! Here’s a chance for Kevin Federline to make some real money. He could get 30, 40 grand right there.
Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has proposed $5,000 be given to every baby born in the United States. Republicans attacked her plan saying what babies need are jobs, not handouts.
David Letterman
How about that Hillary Clinton and her fundraising? She is a fundraising machine. Eighty million dollars. According to New York law, 12 million of that goes to Leona Helmsley’s dog, but still . . .
Hillary Clinton is a fundraising juggernaut. She’s made $80 million so far this year. Here’s how it breaks down: $30 million for advertising, $50 million for pantsuits.
Conan O'Brien
Hillary has a big lead in the Democratic race for president. Political insiders are speculating that Hillary may choose a Spanish running mate. When Bill heard this, he yelled, “How about Salma Hayek?”
It was announced that, over the summer, Hillary Clinton’s campaign raised $27 million, while Barack Obama’s campaign raised $22 million. In a related story, Dennis Kucinich found a nickel between the couch cushions.
Craig Ferguson
It’s a really great day for Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton is ahead of Barack Obama by 33 points. Hillary hasn’t beaten a man this badly since she found out about Monica.
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton has proposed that 5,000 dollars be given to every baby born in America. Five thousand dollars! Here’s a chance for Kevin Federline to make some real money. He could get 30, 40 grand right there.
Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has proposed $5,000 be given to every baby born in the United States. Republicans attacked her plan saying what babies need are jobs, not handouts.
David Letterman
How about that Hillary Clinton and her fundraising? She is a fundraising machine. Eighty million dollars. According to New York law, 12 million of that goes to Leona Helmsley’s dog, but still . . .
Hillary Clinton is a fundraising juggernaut. She’s made $80 million so far this year. Here’s how it breaks down: $30 million for advertising, $50 million for pantsuits.
Conan O'Brien
Hillary has a big lead in the Democratic race for president. Political insiders are speculating that Hillary may choose a Spanish running mate. When Bill heard this, he yelled, “How about Salma Hayek?”
It was announced that, over the summer, Hillary Clinton’s campaign raised $27 million, while Barack Obama’s campaign raised $22 million. In a related story, Dennis Kucinich found a nickel between the couch cushions.
Craig Ferguson
It’s a really great day for Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton is ahead of Barack Obama by 33 points. Hillary hasn’t beaten a man this badly since she found out about Monica.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Jay Leno
You get the government you deserve. If you watched, the three Democratic front-runners said last night . . . Hillary, Barack, John Edwards . . . that setting a timeline for complete withdrawal is irresponsible, because you can’t project what the future situation will be in Iraq and pulling troops out basically depends on the situation on the ground . . . otherwise known as the Bush plan!
You get the government you deserve. If you watched, the three Democratic front-runners said last night . . . Hillary, Barack, John Edwards . . . that setting a timeline for complete withdrawal is irresponsible, because you can’t project what the future situation will be in Iraq and pulling troops out basically depends on the situation on the ground . . . otherwise known as the Bush plan!
Monday, October 01, 2007
Late night Jokes
Jay Leno
Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has proposed $5,000 be given to every baby in America at birth. Imagine that? Every baby born would get a $5,000 bond. Today Barack Obama topped that with $6,000 and a year supply of Turtle Wax.
Five thousand dollars for every baby . . . that could bankrupt the NBA.
In an upcoming interview, in the gay magazine The Advocate, Hillary Clinton says the rumors about her being a lesbian are not true; she says she has never had sex with a woman no matter how many times Bill Clinton has begged her to.
Conan O'Brien
A new poll of Democratic voters in Iowa has found that senior citizens prefer Hillary Clinton. Senior citizens like Hillary Clinton. Unfortunately for Hillary, she still ranks third behind applesauce and creamed spinach.
Jay Leno
Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has proposed $5,000 be given to every baby in America at birth. Imagine that? Every baby born would get a $5,000 bond. Today Barack Obama topped that with $6,000 and a year supply of Turtle Wax.
Five thousand dollars for every baby . . . that could bankrupt the NBA.
In an upcoming interview, in the gay magazine The Advocate, Hillary Clinton says the rumors about her being a lesbian are not true; she says she has never had sex with a woman no matter how many times Bill Clinton has begged her to.
Conan O'Brien
A new poll of Democratic voters in Iowa has found that senior citizens prefer Hillary Clinton. Senior citizens like Hillary Clinton. Unfortunately for Hillary, she still ranks third behind applesauce and creamed spinach.
