Thursday, April 30, 2009
Torture
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Foreign Affairs...
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Hillary
Friday, February 06, 2009
Hillary
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Presidents' Lunch
10. "Sorry . . you're not on the list, Mr. Gore"
9. "If Hillary calls, I've been here since Monday"
8. "Laura! More Mountain Dew!"
7. "You guys wanna see 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?"
6. "Call the nurse — George swallowed a napkin ring!"
5. "Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that's right, you have to work!"
4. "Kissey kissey"
3. "Obama? I think he's downstairs smoking a butt"
2. "Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?"
1. "I hope Clinton's unbuckling his belt because he's full"
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It was a historic day when all four of our living presidents and our president-elect had lunch together at the White House. President Bush was especially excited. He said, “Hey — you’re the guys from the paintings in my office!”
There was an awkward moment when Carter asked Obama to bring him more bread.
Another time, Bill Clinton said to Bush, “I love this rug.” Note to Obama — you might want to get it dry cleaned.
David Letterman
Tomorrow, President Bush is hosting a White House lunch for President-elect Barack Obama, former President Jimmy Carter, and former President Bill Clinton. At least that’s what Bill is telling Hillary.
On New Year’s Eve, Bill and Hillary Clinton dropped the ball in Times Square. It was bitter cold . . . icy . . . frigid . . . and that was just their marriage.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Presidents' Lunch
10. "Sorry . . you're not on the list, Mr. Gore"
9. "If Hillary calls, I've been here since Monday"
8. "Laura! More Mountain Dew!"
7. "You guys wanna see 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?"
6. "Call the nurse — George swallowed a napkin ring!"
5. "Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that's right, you have to work!"
4. "Kissey kissey"
3. "Obama? I think he's downstairs smoking a butt"
2. "Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?"
1. "I hope Clinton's unbuckling his belt because he's full"
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It was a historic day when all four of our living presidents and our president-elect had lunch together at the White House. President Bush was especially excited. He said, “Hey — you’re the guys from the paintings in my office!”
There was an awkward moment when Carter asked Obama to bring him more bread.
Another time, Bill Clinton said to Bush, “I love this rug.” Note to Obama — you might want to get it dry cleaned.
David Letterman
Tomorrow, President Bush is hosting a White House lunch for President-elect Barack Obama, former President Jimmy Carter, and former President Bill Clinton. At least that’s what Bill is telling Hillary.
On New Year’s Eve, Bill and Hillary Clinton dropped the ball in Times Square. It was bitter cold . . . icy . . . frigid . . . and that was just their marriage.
Friday, December 26, 2008
I'm Used To Forgiving Bills
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Stimulus Bill
Monday, December 08, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Bill Clinton says he is open to a role in the Obama administration . . . actually, he said he’s looking for a desk. I don’t know what that means.
The big rumor is that Bill Clinton could be a possible replacement for Hillary Clinton's Senate seat when she becomes secretary of state. I believe this would be the first time Bill has ever shown any interest in Hillary's seat.
So, you go from a Clinton in pantsuits to a Clinton who drops his suit pants.
They say that during Hillary Clinton’s appointment confirmation hearings, Republicans could force her to answer a lot of embarrassing questions about Bill Clinton's financial affairs, to which Hillary said, "What kind of affairs? Financial? No problem! Bring it on!"
It looks like Hillary Clinton has accepted Barack Obama’s offer to be secretary of state. She accepted after Obama’s vetting process could not find any link between her and Bill Clinton.
Jay Leno
Bill Clinton says he is open to a role in the Obama administration . . . actually, he said he’s looking for a desk. I don’t know what that means.
The big rumor is that Bill Clinton could be a possible replacement for Hillary Clinton's Senate seat when she becomes secretary of state. I believe this would be the first time Bill has ever shown any interest in Hillary's seat.
So, you go from a Clinton in pantsuits to a Clinton who drops his suit pants.
They say that during Hillary Clinton’s appointment confirmation hearings, Republicans could force her to answer a lot of embarrassing questions about Bill Clinton's financial affairs, to which Hillary said, "What kind of affairs? Financial? No problem! Bring it on!"
It looks like Hillary Clinton has accepted Barack Obama’s offer to be secretary of state. She accepted after Obama’s vetting process could not find any link between her and Bill Clinton.
Billary
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Secretary Of Foreign Affairs
Monday, December 01, 2008
Clinton's
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Two For The Price Of One
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Family Guy
Friday, November 21, 2008
Give The Secretary Job To A Women!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Bill Clinton
Friday, November 07, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
During one touching moment during Barack Obama’s acceptance speech, Oprah was crying; Jesse Jackson was crying; Hillary was crying . . . in fact, she’s still crying.
Pundits say Colin Powell is the biggest political figure to endorse Barack Obama since Bill and Hillary. And the only one of those three who will actually vote for him.
Conan O'Brien
In Japan, officials in a small town called Obama say they’re going to invite Barack Obama to visit. A similar trip happened after Bill Clinton was elected and was invited to Horndog, Thailand.
Craig Ferguson
Bill Clinton campaigned with Barack Obama last night. At one point he said, “This man should be our president.” He hasn’t said that since he campaigned with Hillary.
Jay Leno
During one touching moment during Barack Obama’s acceptance speech, Oprah was crying; Jesse Jackson was crying; Hillary was crying . . . in fact, she’s still crying.
Pundits say Colin Powell is the biggest political figure to endorse Barack Obama since Bill and Hillary. And the only one of those three who will actually vote for him.
Conan O'Brien
In Japan, officials in a small town called Obama say they’re going to invite Barack Obama to visit. A similar trip happened after Bill Clinton was elected and was invited to Horndog, Thailand.
Craig Ferguson
Bill Clinton campaigned with Barack Obama last night. At one point he said, “This man should be our president.” He hasn’t said that since he campaigned with Hillary.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
David Letterman
Congratulations to Bill and Hillary Clinton; it’s their 33rd wedding anniversary. And I thought the Iraq war was a never-ending conflict.
Hillary is celebrating 33 years with Bill. Or as Hillary likes calls it, “the bridge to nowhere.”
At least Hillary gets to have one celebration this year.
David Letterman
Congratulations to Bill and Hillary Clinton; it’s their 33rd wedding anniversary. And I thought the Iraq war was a never-ending conflict.
Hillary is celebrating 33 years with Bill. Or as Hillary likes calls it, “the bridge to nowhere.”
At least Hillary gets to have one celebration this year.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Obama Slam-Dunks Hillary
Monday, September 29, 2008
Clinton's Last Stand
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Who's Responsible? Bill Clinton?
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Hillary Help
Sunday, September 14, 2008
I Feel Your Pain
Saturday, September 06, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Even Bill Clinton said, “When Hillary attacks Obama, it’s wrong. But when Sarah does it, it’s somehow hot . . .”
Joe Lieberman, who ran as a Democrat in 2000 as Al Gore’s vice presidential nominee, spoke at the Republican Convention last night. A Democrat at the Republican Convention. That’s like Bill Clinton speaking at a sexual abstinence rally.
It’s being reported that if elected, Barack Obama will make Hillary Clinton a Supreme Court judge. Has he thought this through? She may demand a recount and declare herself the winner.
Barack Obama has accepted the Democratic nomination for president of the United States. He gave his acceptance speech on the anniversary of Martin Luther King’s “I have a Dream” speech. And just two days after Hillary Clinton gave her “I Had a Dream!” speech.
Last night, during his speech, Bill Clinton promised to do everything he could to help Barack Obama win the election. Hillary said, “That’s nice — but you know Bill . . . keeping promises is not his strong suit.”
Bill Clinton spoke last night. He’s a powerful orator. But this was sort of sad . . . in the middle of Clinton’s speech, wandering out on stage, was John McCain in his bathrobe.
Last night at the convention, Bill and Hillary Clinton were in the elevator together when it got struck between floors for five minutes. A spokesman called it a minor technical glitch, while Bill Clinton called it, “My own personal hell.”
Jay Leno
Even Bill Clinton said, “When Hillary attacks Obama, it’s wrong. But when Sarah does it, it’s somehow hot . . .”
Joe Lieberman, who ran as a Democrat in 2000 as Al Gore’s vice presidential nominee, spoke at the Republican Convention last night. A Democrat at the Republican Convention. That’s like Bill Clinton speaking at a sexual abstinence rally.
It’s being reported that if elected, Barack Obama will make Hillary Clinton a Supreme Court judge. Has he thought this through? She may demand a recount and declare herself the winner.
Barack Obama has accepted the Democratic nomination for president of the United States. He gave his acceptance speech on the anniversary of Martin Luther King’s “I have a Dream” speech. And just two days after Hillary Clinton gave her “I Had a Dream!” speech.
Last night, during his speech, Bill Clinton promised to do everything he could to help Barack Obama win the election. Hillary said, “That’s nice — but you know Bill . . . keeping promises is not his strong suit.”
Bill Clinton spoke last night. He’s a powerful orator. But this was sort of sad . . . in the middle of Clinton’s speech, wandering out on stage, was John McCain in his bathrobe.
Last night at the convention, Bill and Hillary Clinton were in the elevator together when it got struck between floors for five minutes. A spokesman called it a minor technical glitch, while Bill Clinton called it, “My own personal hell.”
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Dr Phil
Monday, August 25, 2008
I Warned You
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Hillary
Friday, August 22, 2008
Just My Short List
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Democratic Convention
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Late Night Jokes
Jay Leno
It’s been mentioned that Barack Obama may still pick a woman for vice president, but not Hillary Clinton. Well, today a top Hillary Clinton spokeswoman said that it is inconceivable that Obama would pick another woman over Hillary. To which Bill Clinton said, “It’s not that inconceivable .
David Letterman
Hillary Clinton’s campaign was $31 million in debt — $31 million. Here’s how you can help: If you contribute $5 to Erase Hillary’s Debt, you can have dinner with her. For $10, you get to tie the lobster bib on her pantsuit.
Conan O'Brien
Yesterday, Bill Clinton told a group of supporters that his wife Hillary is the person he most wants to spend time with. Apparently Clinton likes to start off every speech with a joke.
Jay Leno
It’s been mentioned that Barack Obama may still pick a woman for vice president, but not Hillary Clinton. Well, today a top Hillary Clinton spokeswoman said that it is inconceivable that Obama would pick another woman over Hillary. To which Bill Clinton said, “It’s not that inconceivable .
David Letterman
Hillary Clinton’s campaign was $31 million in debt — $31 million. Here’s how you can help: If you contribute $5 to Erase Hillary’s Debt, you can have dinner with her. For $10, you get to tie the lobster bib on her pantsuit.
Conan O'Brien
Yesterday, Bill Clinton told a group of supporters that his wife Hillary is the person he most wants to spend time with. Apparently Clinton likes to start off every speech with a joke.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Attack Of The Clintons
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Conan O'Brien
Months ago, Hillary Clinton’s campaign booked hundreds of hotel rooms for the Democratic Convention. Now that she’s out of the race, she doesn’t need them anymore. Just as Hillary’s staff was about to cancel the rooms, Bill Clinton stepped in and said, “I’ll use them!’
The latest rumor is now that Hillary Clinton lost the Democratic nomination, she’s going to divorce Bill Clinton. Hillary’s exact quote was, “Just because my dream didn’t come true doesn’t mean his shouldn’t.”
Hillary Clinton posted a slideshow of campaign photos on her Web site, but none of the pictures showed Bill Clinton. Bill said, “That’s OK. None of the Web sites I go to have pictures of Hillary.”
This weekend, Barack Obama and Bill Clinton will be attending the same conference in Florida. Not surprisingly, the conference is sponsored by the National Association of Men Who’ve Been Attacked By Hillary Clinton.
David Letterman
Bill Clinton is campaigning for Obama. President Bush is campaigning for McCain. And I’m thinking, “Wow. This could really be the year for Ralph Nader.”
Hillary Clinton is out campaigning with Barack Obama. She says if it goes well, she’ll consider making him her running mate.
John McCain is going after the Hillary Clinton female voters. Today, he was campaigning in a pantsuit.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard on Hillary Clinton's First Day Back at Work
10. "Nice of you to show up"
9. "Did you win?"
8. "We chipped in for a welcome back pantsuit"
7. "Should I take the Madame President nameplate off your door?"
6. "Hillary's choking another superdelegate"
5. "On the bright side, you can once again partake in endless debates about agricultural subsidies"
4. "Senator Clinton, please stop throwing wads of paper at Senator Obama's head"
3. "I can't believe your shrill message of fear didn't resonate"
2. "Please stop taunting her, Senator Kerry"
1. "We'll begin as soon as Senator Craig returns from the restroom"
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton is taking a month off from her job as senator to rest up from her campaign. How does that work? You’ve been neglecting your job trying to get a better job. You don’t get that job, so you to take a month off from the job you were trying to get out of and go on vacation. Imagine if you tried that with your boss. “Hey boss, listen — I’ve been looking for another job, and I’m exhausted. I want to take a month off. Here’s where you can send my checks.”
The New York Times is reporting that both Bill and Hillary Clinton have an enemies list. Hillary’s is mostly people who endorsed Barack Obama instead of her, and Bill’s list is mostly chicks who can’t keep a secret — they go blabbing to everybody.
Conan O'Brien
Months ago, Hillary Clinton’s campaign booked hundreds of hotel rooms for the Democratic Convention. Now that she’s out of the race, she doesn’t need them anymore. Just as Hillary’s staff was about to cancel the rooms, Bill Clinton stepped in and said, “I’ll use them!’
The latest rumor is now that Hillary Clinton lost the Democratic nomination, she’s going to divorce Bill Clinton. Hillary’s exact quote was, “Just because my dream didn’t come true doesn’t mean his shouldn’t.”
Hillary Clinton posted a slideshow of campaign photos on her Web site, but none of the pictures showed Bill Clinton. Bill said, “That’s OK. None of the Web sites I go to have pictures of Hillary.”
This weekend, Barack Obama and Bill Clinton will be attending the same conference in Florida. Not surprisingly, the conference is sponsored by the National Association of Men Who’ve Been Attacked By Hillary Clinton.
David Letterman
Bill Clinton is campaigning for Obama. President Bush is campaigning for McCain. And I’m thinking, “Wow. This could really be the year for Ralph Nader.”
Hillary Clinton is out campaigning with Barack Obama. She says if it goes well, she’ll consider making him her running mate.
John McCain is going after the Hillary Clinton female voters. Today, he was campaigning in a pantsuit.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard on Hillary Clinton's First Day Back at Work
10. "Nice of you to show up"
9. "Did you win?"
8. "We chipped in for a welcome back pantsuit"
7. "Should I take the Madame President nameplate off your door?"
6. "Hillary's choking another superdelegate"
5. "On the bright side, you can once again partake in endless debates about agricultural subsidies"
4. "Senator Clinton, please stop throwing wads of paper at Senator Obama's head"
3. "I can't believe your shrill message of fear didn't resonate"
2. "Please stop taunting her, Senator Kerry"
1. "We'll begin as soon as Senator Craig returns from the restroom"
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton is taking a month off from her job as senator to rest up from her campaign. How does that work? You’ve been neglecting your job trying to get a better job. You don’t get that job, so you to take a month off from the job you were trying to get out of and go on vacation. Imagine if you tried that with your boss. “Hey boss, listen — I’ve been looking for another job, and I’m exhausted. I want to take a month off. Here’s where you can send my checks.”
The New York Times is reporting that both Bill and Hillary Clinton have an enemies list. Hillary’s is mostly people who endorsed Barack Obama instead of her, and Bill’s list is mostly chicks who can’t keep a secret — they go blabbing to everybody.
