Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Conan O'Brien
Months ago, Hillary Clinton’s campaign booked hundreds of hotel rooms for the Democratic Convention. Now that she’s out of the race, she doesn’t need them anymore. Just as Hillary’s staff was about to cancel the rooms, Bill Clinton stepped in and said, “I’ll use them!’
The latest rumor is now that Hillary Clinton lost the Democratic nomination, she’s going to divorce Bill Clinton. Hillary’s exact quote was, “Just because my dream didn’t come true doesn’t mean his shouldn’t.”
Hillary Clinton posted a slideshow of campaign photos on her Web site, but none of the pictures showed Bill Clinton. Bill said, “That’s OK. None of the Web sites I go to have pictures of Hillary.”
This weekend, Barack Obama and Bill Clinton will be attending the same conference in Florida. Not surprisingly, the conference is sponsored by the National Association of Men Who’ve Been Attacked By Hillary Clinton.
David Letterman
Bill Clinton is campaigning for Obama. President Bush is campaigning for McCain. And I’m thinking, “Wow. This could really be the year for Ralph Nader.”
Hillary Clinton is out campaigning with Barack Obama. She says if it goes well, she’ll consider making him her running mate.
John McCain is going after the Hillary Clinton female voters. Today, he was campaigning in a pantsuit.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard on Hillary Clinton's First Day Back at Work
10. "Nice of you to show up"
9. "Did you win?"
8. "We chipped in for a welcome back pantsuit"
7. "Should I take the Madame President nameplate off your door?"
6. "Hillary's choking another superdelegate"
5. "On the bright side, you can once again partake in endless debates about agricultural subsidies"
4. "Senator Clinton, please stop throwing wads of paper at Senator Obama's head"
3. "I can't believe your shrill message of fear didn't resonate"
2. "Please stop taunting her, Senator Kerry"
1. "We'll begin as soon as Senator Craig returns from the restroom"
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton is taking a month off from her job as senator to rest up from her campaign. How does that work? You’ve been neglecting your job trying to get a better job. You don’t get that job, so you to take a month off from the job you were trying to get out of and go on vacation. Imagine if you tried that with your boss. “Hey boss, listen — I’ve been looking for another job, and I’m exhausted. I want to take a month off. Here’s where you can send my checks.”
The New York Times is reporting that both Bill and Hillary Clinton have an enemies list. Hillary’s is mostly people who endorsed Barack Obama instead of her, and Bill’s list is mostly chicks who can’t keep a secret — they go blabbing to everybody.
Conan O'Brien
Months ago, Hillary Clinton’s campaign booked hundreds of hotel rooms for the Democratic Convention. Now that she’s out of the race, she doesn’t need them anymore. Just as Hillary’s staff was about to cancel the rooms, Bill Clinton stepped in and said, “I’ll use them!’
The latest rumor is now that Hillary Clinton lost the Democratic nomination, she’s going to divorce Bill Clinton. Hillary’s exact quote was, “Just because my dream didn’t come true doesn’t mean his shouldn’t.”
Hillary Clinton posted a slideshow of campaign photos on her Web site, but none of the pictures showed Bill Clinton. Bill said, “That’s OK. None of the Web sites I go to have pictures of Hillary.”
This weekend, Barack Obama and Bill Clinton will be attending the same conference in Florida. Not surprisingly, the conference is sponsored by the National Association of Men Who’ve Been Attacked By Hillary Clinton.
David Letterman
Bill Clinton is campaigning for Obama. President Bush is campaigning for McCain. And I’m thinking, “Wow. This could really be the year for Ralph Nader.”
Hillary Clinton is out campaigning with Barack Obama. She says if it goes well, she’ll consider making him her running mate.
John McCain is going after the Hillary Clinton female voters. Today, he was campaigning in a pantsuit.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard on Hillary Clinton's First Day Back at Work
10. "Nice of you to show up"
9. "Did you win?"
8. "We chipped in for a welcome back pantsuit"
7. "Should I take the Madame President nameplate off your door?"
6. "Hillary's choking another superdelegate"
5. "On the bright side, you can once again partake in endless debates about agricultural subsidies"
4. "Senator Clinton, please stop throwing wads of paper at Senator Obama's head"
3. "I can't believe your shrill message of fear didn't resonate"
2. "Please stop taunting her, Senator Kerry"
1. "We'll begin as soon as Senator Craig returns from the restroom"
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton is taking a month off from her job as senator to rest up from her campaign. How does that work? You’ve been neglecting your job trying to get a better job. You don’t get that job, so you to take a month off from the job you were trying to get out of and go on vacation. Imagine if you tried that with your boss. “Hey boss, listen — I’ve been looking for another job, and I’m exhausted. I want to take a month off. Here’s where you can send my checks.”
The New York Times is reporting that both Bill and Hillary Clinton have an enemies list. Hillary’s is mostly people who endorsed Barack Obama instead of her, and Bill’s list is mostly chicks who can’t keep a secret — they go blabbing to everybody.
