Thursday, January 24, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Craig Ferguson
People were shocked this morning by Bill Clinton’s comments. He said that he likes seeing Hillary fight with Obama. He likes it! Then he said, “I’d like it even more if they both wore dresses.“
“Oh, wait — who am I kidding? Hillary would never wear a dress.”
John McCain’s team is heading to Florida to get ready for the primary. Hillary Clinton’s team is going there so they can get an early start for Bill on Spring Break.
David Letterman
Hillary Clinton and Barrack Obama were really going at one another last night. John Edwards looked like the moderator on “Family Feud.”
During the argument, security guards had to be brought in, and you could hear Hillary Clinton screaming, “Don’t Tase me, bro!”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Bill Clinton had an embarrassing moment too. Between campaigning for his wife Hillary, and pretending to have work to do to avoid going to bed with her, he’s exhausted.
That’s obvious at the Convent Avenue Baptist Church in Harlem yesterday where he was supposed to be listening to Martin Luther King III. [Clip of Clinton nodding off during speech.] I don’t know if that was the kind of dream Dr. King had in mind.
Craig Ferguson
People were shocked this morning by Bill Clinton’s comments. He said that he likes seeing Hillary fight with Obama. He likes it! Then he said, “I’d like it even more if they both wore dresses.“
“Oh, wait — who am I kidding? Hillary would never wear a dress.”
John McCain’s team is heading to Florida to get ready for the primary. Hillary Clinton’s team is going there so they can get an early start for Bill on Spring Break.
David Letterman
Hillary Clinton and Barrack Obama were really going at one another last night. John Edwards looked like the moderator on “Family Feud.”
During the argument, security guards had to be brought in, and you could hear Hillary Clinton screaming, “Don’t Tase me, bro!”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Bill Clinton had an embarrassing moment too. Between campaigning for his wife Hillary, and pretending to have work to do to avoid going to bed with her, he’s exhausted.
That’s obvious at the Convent Avenue Baptist Church in Harlem yesterday where he was supposed to be listening to Martin Luther King III. [Clip of Clinton nodding off during speech.] I don’t know if that was the kind of dream Dr. King had in mind.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Just Like LBJ
Monday, January 21, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Voters are starting to warm up to Hillary Clinton. You what that means. This may be the best proof yet for global warming. Hillary is starting to thaw.
Jay Leno
Voters are starting to warm up to Hillary Clinton. You what that means. This may be the best proof yet for global warming. Hillary is starting to thaw.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
LBJ Day
Friday, January 18, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton was on the "Tyra Banks" show. Tyra asked her if she could be on a reality show, which reality show would she be on? Hillary answered “Dancing with the Stars.” Well, if Barack Obama continues to do well, she could be on that show sooner than she thinks.
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton was on the "Tyra Banks" show. Tyra asked her if she could be on a reality show, which reality show would she be on? Hillary answered “Dancing with the Stars.” Well, if Barack Obama continues to do well, she could be on that show sooner than she thinks.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Craig Ferguson
Chelsea Clinton is doing a series of Q&As at campuses across the country. Apparently she wants to target the college female demographic. Just like her dad.
Jay Leno
Big news: Barack Obama has increased his Secret Service protection. And that’s just from Hillary.
It looks like the Democratic field has really narrowed down. It’s going to be a black man or a white woman. A black man or a white woman. You know, this is the same decision Michael Jackson has to make every morning of his life.
Conan O'Brien
I think it’s the best “American Idol” yet. Take a look: [Clip of Hillary Clinton singing the “Star-Spangled Banner,” off-key].
Craig Ferguson
Chelsea Clinton is doing a series of Q&As at campuses across the country. Apparently she wants to target the college female demographic. Just like her dad.
Jay Leno
Big news: Barack Obama has increased his Secret Service protection. And that’s just from Hillary.
It looks like the Democratic field has really narrowed down. It’s going to be a black man or a white woman. A black man or a white woman. You know, this is the same decision Michael Jackson has to make every morning of his life.
Conan O'Brien
I think it’s the best “American Idol” yet. Take a look: [Clip of Hillary Clinton singing the “Star-Spangled Banner,” off-key].
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Hillary & White House Pastry Chef
In a news conference Deanna Favre announced she will be the
starting QB for the Packers this coming Sunday. Deanna asserts that
she is qualified to be starting QB because she has spent the past 16
years married to Brett while he played QB for the Packers.
During this period of time she became familiar with the definition of
a corner blitz, and is now completely comfortable with other
terminology of the Packers offense. A survey of Packers fans shows
that 50% of those polled supported the move.
Does this sounds idiotic and unbelievable to you?
Well, Hillary Clinton makes the same claims as to why she is
qualified to be President and 50% of democrats polled agreed.
She has never run a City, County, or State. When told Hillary Clinton has
experience because she has 8 years in the white house, Dick Morris
stated, "So has the pastry chef".
In a news conference Deanna Favre announced she will be the
starting QB for the Packers this coming Sunday. Deanna asserts that
she is qualified to be starting QB because she has spent the past 16
years married to Brett while he played QB for the Packers.
During this period of time she became familiar with the definition of
a corner blitz, and is now completely comfortable with other
terminology of the Packers offense. A survey of Packers fans shows
that 50% of those polled supported the move.
Does this sounds idiotic and unbelievable to you?
Well, Hillary Clinton makes the same claims as to why she is
qualified to be President and 50% of democrats polled agreed.
She has never run a City, County, or State. When told Hillary Clinton has
experience because she has 8 years in the white house, Dick Morris
stated, "So has the pastry chef".
Friday, January 11, 2008
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Congratulations to Hillary Clinton! Despite all the predictions by pundits, Hillary Clinton refused to roll over. How many times has Bill heard that.
Former President Bill Clinton says he's more worried about his wife's campaign than he's ever been about his own election. Well, sure — he knows if she loses they have to go home together.
And Hillary Clinton's campaign staff said that "losing in Iowa is not a problem, because getting beat will make us a better team." Certainly worked for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
David Letterman
Hillary Clinton won the New Hampshire primary. It was a surprising victory, and today she is denying she used human growth hormone.
Political experts and pundits are saying she got a boost by showing actual emotions. She actully showed emotion. And I thought, "Gee . . . I wonder if that could work for me."
Craig Ferguson
Of course I'm going to talk about the primaries. On Monday, Hillary got all tearied up . . . she cried. People are saying that's why she did so well. And they're criticizing her for crying as well. If she doesn't cry, she's robot. If she does cry, she's an emotional crying robot.
The New Hampshire primary is today. It was warm day too. Bill Clinton took some time out to rub some sunscreen on the backs of Hillary's interns.
Bill Clinton: "I think I missed a spot on your primary . . ."
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Hillary clinton won the Democratic primary last night. She beat Oprah's husband by a slim margin.
There's a long way to go. You know there are 50 states now.
Bill Clinton lashed out at Barack Obama yesterday. He accused him of running a fairy tale campaign. It's fairy tale in which a very horny king tries to get his queen elected to the White House so he can go out and fornicate with maidens . . . but a handsome black prince comes along and screws the whole thing up for him.
They held the New Hampshire caucuses today. The results are in, and as expected, a big comeback for John McCain on the Republican side, and when I last checked Hillary Clinton had a slight lead for the Democrats over Barack Obama. It was so close they almost had to call Oprah in to make a final decision.
Jay Leno
Congratulations to Hillary Clinton! Despite all the predictions by pundits, Hillary Clinton refused to roll over. How many times has Bill heard that.
Former President Bill Clinton says he's more worried about his wife's campaign than he's ever been about his own election. Well, sure — he knows if she loses they have to go home together.
And Hillary Clinton's campaign staff said that "losing in Iowa is not a problem, because getting beat will make us a better team." Certainly worked for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
David Letterman
Hillary Clinton won the New Hampshire primary. It was a surprising victory, and today she is denying she used human growth hormone.
Political experts and pundits are saying she got a boost by showing actual emotions. She actully showed emotion. And I thought, "Gee . . . I wonder if that could work for me."
Craig Ferguson
Of course I'm going to talk about the primaries. On Monday, Hillary got all tearied up . . . she cried. People are saying that's why she did so well. And they're criticizing her for crying as well. If she doesn't cry, she's robot. If she does cry, she's an emotional crying robot.
The New Hampshire primary is today. It was warm day too. Bill Clinton took some time out to rub some sunscreen on the backs of Hillary's interns.
Bill Clinton: "I think I missed a spot on your primary . . ."
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Hillary clinton won the Democratic primary last night. She beat Oprah's husband by a slim margin.
There's a long way to go. You know there are 50 states now.
Bill Clinton lashed out at Barack Obama yesterday. He accused him of running a fairy tale campaign. It's fairy tale in which a very horny king tries to get his queen elected to the White House so he can go out and fornicate with maidens . . . but a handsome black prince comes along and screws the whole thing up for him.
They held the New Hampshire caucuses today. The results are in, and as expected, a big comeback for John McCain on the Republican side, and when I last checked Hillary Clinton had a slight lead for the Democrats over Barack Obama. It was so close they almost had to call Oprah in to make a final decision.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
And congratulations to Mike Huckabee the Republican winner. Just one appearance on the "Tonight Show" and he won!
Hillary Clinton came in third . . .third! Apparently she chose the wrong talk show to appear on.
One of Hillary's campaign people said, "Last night's defeat is just a bump in the road." Kind of like the scene in "Titanic" when the guy goes, "What was that?" "Oh just an iceberg . . ."
Craig Ferguson
Now that the Iowa caucus is over, Bill Clinton is hitting the campaign trail for his wife. He said, "There are two things I want to say aboput Hillary. First, I'd still vote for her even if we had never married . . . and . . . Sorry, I forgot the second one . . . I'm still thinking about if we never got married."
Jay Leno
And congratulations to Mike Huckabee the Republican winner. Just one appearance on the "Tonight Show" and he won!
Hillary Clinton came in third . . .third! Apparently she chose the wrong talk show to appear on.
One of Hillary's campaign people said, "Last night's defeat is just a bump in the road." Kind of like the scene in "Titanic" when the guy goes, "What was that?" "Oh just an iceberg . . ."
Craig Ferguson
Now that the Iowa caucus is over, Bill Clinton is hitting the campaign trail for his wife. He said, "There are two things I want to say aboput Hillary. First, I'd still vote for her even if we had never married . . . and . . . Sorry, I forgot the second one . . . I'm still thinking about if we never got married."
Labels: HJ
Monday, January 07, 2008
Saturday, January 05, 2008
The Great Wizard of Oz
The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."
"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain."
"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"
Up stepped George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."
There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
"Is Dorothy here?"
The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."
"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain."
"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"
Up stepped George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."
There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
"Is Dorothy here?"
Labels: HJ
Friday, January 04, 2008
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
It’s freezing in Iowa. It’s like 20 degrees in Iowa. In fact, it is so cold, Hillary Clinton can actually see Barack Obama’s breath breathing down her neck.
Jay Leno
It’s freezing in Iowa. It’s like 20 degrees in Iowa. In fact, it is so cold, Hillary Clinton can actually see Barack Obama’s breath breathing down her neck.
Labels: HJ
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
