Friday, February 29, 2008
Clinton's Pigs
One day as President Clinton was getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he had a baby pig under each arm.
The Marine guard snapped to attention, salutes, and said: ''Nice pigs, sir.''
The President replied, ''These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea.''
The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, ''Nice trade, sir.'''
One day as President Clinton was getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he had a baby pig under each arm.
The Marine guard snapped to attention, salutes, and said: ''Nice pigs, sir.''
The President replied, ''These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea.''
The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, ''Nice trade, sir.'''
Monday, February 25, 2008
That Man Has Nothing But Votes, Votes, And Votes!
Monday, February 18, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
It’s Valentine’s Day. What do you call it when Bill and Hillary get together on Valentine’s Day? A fundraiser.
This has not been a good week for Hillary. I guess Bill bought her a dozen roses for Valentine’s Day . . . turns out seven of the roses have committed to Michelle Obama.
Not a good night for Hillary Clinton. She got the pantsuit beaten off of her.
Barack Obama now considered the front-runner. You know what they say, behind every successful man is a woman. Hillary was surprised to find out that it was her.
As you know, Barack has won the last eight primaries. I haven’t seen hillary this worried since they opened a Hooters in Chappaqua.
Actually they say the race between Barack and Hillary could be decided by the voters of Texas. Texas! Which is a comfort — when it comes to providing smart politicians, Texas is the place you want to be.
Awkward moment in Hillary Clinton’s campaign. I guess she told her staff to call Democrats with money, and they called Barack Obama.
They did a poll on whether Bill’s campaigning for Hillary helped her or hurt her. Well, 38 percent thought it helped; 36 percent thought it hurt. Then 26 percent said, “He never told me he was married!”
Conan O'Brien
During this past week, many people have been saying that Barack Obama has an edge over Hillary Clinton because of his wife Michelle. Actually, the only person saying that is Bill Clinton.
Big news for us, the writers' strike is finally over. While our writers were gone, Democratic candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama all declared their support for the writers' strike. Meanwhile, President Bush announced he’s in favor of a readers' strike.
Sen. Hillary Clinton has now lost eight primaries in a row to Barack Obama. Hillary dismissed Obama’s success by saying, "He’s only winning states with a huge African-American population — like Maine."
Craig Ferguson
Bill Clinton had a big Valentine’s Day celebration today, got a fancy hotel room covered in candles and rose petals for the woman he loves . . . then he went home to Hillary.
Bad news for Hillary Clinton. She’s lost more primaries! She’s calling her supporters to let them know her campaign is not in financial trouble. The embarrassing part is she’s calling them collect.
Earlier today Hillary promised that her husband wouldn’t be involved in any sex scandals if she were elected president. Also today, Bill Clinton backed Barack Obama.
David Letterman
How about the presidential race? Hillary Clinton is trailing Barack Obama. Indications are she getting a little nervous, maybe a little desperate. Earlier today, she showed up wearing a painted-on pantsuit.
How about that Mitt Romney? I’m going to miss him. He’s like the archaeologist who ignored the curse of the mummy’s tomb.
Jay Leno
It’s Valentine’s Day. What do you call it when Bill and Hillary get together on Valentine’s Day? A fundraiser.
This has not been a good week for Hillary. I guess Bill bought her a dozen roses for Valentine’s Day . . . turns out seven of the roses have committed to Michelle Obama.
Not a good night for Hillary Clinton. She got the pantsuit beaten off of her.
Barack Obama now considered the front-runner. You know what they say, behind every successful man is a woman. Hillary was surprised to find out that it was her.
As you know, Barack has won the last eight primaries. I haven’t seen hillary this worried since they opened a Hooters in Chappaqua.
Actually they say the race between Barack and Hillary could be decided by the voters of Texas. Texas! Which is a comfort — when it comes to providing smart politicians, Texas is the place you want to be.
Awkward moment in Hillary Clinton’s campaign. I guess she told her staff to call Democrats with money, and they called Barack Obama.
They did a poll on whether Bill’s campaigning for Hillary helped her or hurt her. Well, 38 percent thought it helped; 36 percent thought it hurt. Then 26 percent said, “He never told me he was married!”
Conan O'Brien
During this past week, many people have been saying that Barack Obama has an edge over Hillary Clinton because of his wife Michelle. Actually, the only person saying that is Bill Clinton.
Big news for us, the writers' strike is finally over. While our writers were gone, Democratic candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama all declared their support for the writers' strike. Meanwhile, President Bush announced he’s in favor of a readers' strike.
Sen. Hillary Clinton has now lost eight primaries in a row to Barack Obama. Hillary dismissed Obama’s success by saying, "He’s only winning states with a huge African-American population — like Maine."
Craig Ferguson
Bill Clinton had a big Valentine’s Day celebration today, got a fancy hotel room covered in candles and rose petals for the woman he loves . . . then he went home to Hillary.
Bad news for Hillary Clinton. She’s lost more primaries! She’s calling her supporters to let them know her campaign is not in financial trouble. The embarrassing part is she’s calling them collect.
Earlier today Hillary promised that her husband wouldn’t be involved in any sex scandals if she were elected president. Also today, Bill Clinton backed Barack Obama.
David Letterman
How about the presidential race? Hillary Clinton is trailing Barack Obama. Indications are she getting a little nervous, maybe a little desperate. Earlier today, she showed up wearing a painted-on pantsuit.
How about that Mitt Romney? I’m going to miss him. He’s like the archaeologist who ignored the curse of the mummy’s tomb.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Black On Black Crime
Monday, February 11, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton has the support of Bill Clinton, L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, and San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, or as she calls them, the party unfaithful.
David Letterman
Fashion Week this week. Hillary Clinton was wearing her strapless pantsuit.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Democrats are split pretty evenly between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. I say, when in doubt let your favorite celebrity decide for you. I usually vote for whomever Cher is voting for.
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton has the support of Bill Clinton, L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, and San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, or as she calls them, the party unfaithful.
David Letterman
Fashion Week this week. Hillary Clinton was wearing her strapless pantsuit.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Democrats are split pretty evenly between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. I say, when in doubt let your favorite celebrity decide for you. I usually vote for whomever Cher is voting for.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Clinton Machine
Friday, February 08, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
There’s a new movie out: “Over My Dead Body.” It’s about Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.
Congratulations to Hillary Clinton. She won here in California. Her people were worried; they thought it would be close. This was Hillary’s longest night not looking for her husband.
John McCain was the big Republican winner. One pundit said McCain’s lucky nickel was working. He carries a lucky nickel. It must be lucky — six months ago, that was his campaing war chest.
Hillary Clinton also carries around a lucky nickel. Not for superstitious reasons — she just flips it when she needs a position on Iraq.
Hillary Clinton lost her voice last night in the primaries. In the ultimate irony, she had to ask one of Bill’s interns for a throat lozenge. What are the odds?
How about those commercials during the Super Bowl? There was one called “My Talking Stain.” Sounds like Bill Clinton’s worst nightmare.
Bill Clinton said we need to slow down the economy to fight global warming. Slow down the economy. You know what that means? George Bush has done more to stop global warming than Al Gore.
The big issue in South Carolina is the lost textile jobs, which is why Hillary was so stunned that she came in second. She said, “You mean I’ve been wearing these pantsuits for nothing?”
Exit polls show Bill’s campaigning actually hurt Hillary. Gee, I hope that doesn’t create any tension in their marriage . . .
What’s going on with Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama? I’m not going to say they’re acting childish, but today Hillary issued a statement saying, “I’m rubber. You’re glue.”
Craig Ferguson
Hillary Clinton is having money problems. To keep her campaign alive, she had to spend $5 million of her family's money. Bill Clinton was very upset. Five million dollars is two months at the strip club.
He said, "Damn it Hillary I want that money back . . . and I want it in singles."
Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had their debate on Hollywood Boulevard. Which is unusual. Normally the debate on Hollywood Boulevard is, Is that a man or a woman?
David Letterman
Well, it’s all over now . . . Hillary can remove the duct tape from Bill’s mouth.
Last night was President Bush’s last State of the Union address. The next State of the Union address will be given by co-Presidents Bill and Hillary Clinton.
This is what everyone’s worried about, Bill calling the shots; it will be like Bill and Hillary running the country. And I’m thinking, “This is tremendous!” It’s going to be like Regis and Kelly.
Conan O'Brien
Hillary teared up again. She did it at Yale University. Pundits are saying this might make the difference . . . her crying might make the difference for her. This got me thinking: Maybe I should give it a shot.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton locked horns for a debate last night. The tone was much more friendly than their last debate. In fact, they even shared a room together after the debate.
That would be great revenge for the Bill and Monica thing.
How furious would Oprah be?
Jay Leno
There’s a new movie out: “Over My Dead Body.” It’s about Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.
Congratulations to Hillary Clinton. She won here in California. Her people were worried; they thought it would be close. This was Hillary’s longest night not looking for her husband.
John McCain was the big Republican winner. One pundit said McCain’s lucky nickel was working. He carries a lucky nickel. It must be lucky — six months ago, that was his campaing war chest.
Hillary Clinton also carries around a lucky nickel. Not for superstitious reasons — she just flips it when she needs a position on Iraq.
Hillary Clinton lost her voice last night in the primaries. In the ultimate irony, she had to ask one of Bill’s interns for a throat lozenge. What are the odds?
How about those commercials during the Super Bowl? There was one called “My Talking Stain.” Sounds like Bill Clinton’s worst nightmare.
Bill Clinton said we need to slow down the economy to fight global warming. Slow down the economy. You know what that means? George Bush has done more to stop global warming than Al Gore.
The big issue in South Carolina is the lost textile jobs, which is why Hillary was so stunned that she came in second. She said, “You mean I’ve been wearing these pantsuits for nothing?”
Exit polls show Bill’s campaigning actually hurt Hillary. Gee, I hope that doesn’t create any tension in their marriage . . .
What’s going on with Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama? I’m not going to say they’re acting childish, but today Hillary issued a statement saying, “I’m rubber. You’re glue.”
Craig Ferguson
Hillary Clinton is having money problems. To keep her campaign alive, she had to spend $5 million of her family's money. Bill Clinton was very upset. Five million dollars is two months at the strip club.
He said, "Damn it Hillary I want that money back . . . and I want it in singles."
Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had their debate on Hollywood Boulevard. Which is unusual. Normally the debate on Hollywood Boulevard is, Is that a man or a woman?
David Letterman
Well, it’s all over now . . . Hillary can remove the duct tape from Bill’s mouth.
Last night was President Bush’s last State of the Union address. The next State of the Union address will be given by co-Presidents Bill and Hillary Clinton.
This is what everyone’s worried about, Bill calling the shots; it will be like Bill and Hillary running the country. And I’m thinking, “This is tremendous!” It’s going to be like Regis and Kelly.
Conan O'Brien
Hillary teared up again. She did it at Yale University. Pundits are saying this might make the difference . . . her crying might make the difference for her. This got me thinking: Maybe I should give it a shot.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton locked horns for a debate last night. The tone was much more friendly than their last debate. In fact, they even shared a room together after the debate.
That would be great revenge for the Bill and Monica thing.
How furious would Oprah be?
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
