Friday, February 08, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
There’s a new movie out: “Over My Dead Body.” It’s about Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.
Congratulations to Hillary Clinton. She won here in California. Her people were worried; they thought it would be close. This was Hillary’s longest night not looking for her husband.
John McCain was the big Republican winner. One pundit said McCain’s lucky nickel was working. He carries a lucky nickel. It must be lucky — six months ago, that was his campaing war chest.
Hillary Clinton also carries around a lucky nickel. Not for superstitious reasons — she just flips it when she needs a position on Iraq.
Hillary Clinton lost her voice last night in the primaries. In the ultimate irony, she had to ask one of Bill’s interns for a throat lozenge. What are the odds?
How about those commercials during the Super Bowl? There was one called “My Talking Stain.” Sounds like Bill Clinton’s worst nightmare.
Bill Clinton said we need to slow down the economy to fight global warming. Slow down the economy. You know what that means? George Bush has done more to stop global warming than Al Gore.
The big issue in South Carolina is the lost textile jobs, which is why Hillary was so stunned that she came in second. She said, “You mean I’ve been wearing these pantsuits for nothing?”
Exit polls show Bill’s campaigning actually hurt Hillary. Gee, I hope that doesn’t create any tension in their marriage . . .
What’s going on with Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama? I’m not going to say they’re acting childish, but today Hillary issued a statement saying, “I’m rubber. You’re glue.”
Craig Ferguson
Hillary Clinton is having money problems. To keep her campaign alive, she had to spend $5 million of her family's money. Bill Clinton was very upset. Five million dollars is two months at the strip club.
He said, "Damn it Hillary I want that money back . . . and I want it in singles."
Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had their debate on Hollywood Boulevard. Which is unusual. Normally the debate on Hollywood Boulevard is, Is that a man or a woman?
David Letterman
Well, it’s all over now . . . Hillary can remove the duct tape from Bill’s mouth.
Last night was President Bush’s last State of the Union address. The next State of the Union address will be given by co-Presidents Bill and Hillary Clinton.
This is what everyone’s worried about, Bill calling the shots; it will be like Bill and Hillary running the country. And I’m thinking, “This is tremendous!” It’s going to be like Regis and Kelly.
Conan O'Brien
Hillary teared up again. She did it at Yale University. Pundits are saying this might make the difference . . . her crying might make the difference for her. This got me thinking: Maybe I should give it a shot.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton locked horns for a debate last night. The tone was much more friendly than their last debate. In fact, they even shared a room together after the debate.
That would be great revenge for the Bill and Monica thing.
How furious would Oprah be?
Jay Leno
There’s a new movie out: “Over My Dead Body.” It’s about Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.
Congratulations to Hillary Clinton. She won here in California. Her people were worried; they thought it would be close. This was Hillary’s longest night not looking for her husband.
John McCain was the big Republican winner. One pundit said McCain’s lucky nickel was working. He carries a lucky nickel. It must be lucky — six months ago, that was his campaing war chest.
Hillary Clinton also carries around a lucky nickel. Not for superstitious reasons — she just flips it when she needs a position on Iraq.
Hillary Clinton lost her voice last night in the primaries. In the ultimate irony, she had to ask one of Bill’s interns for a throat lozenge. What are the odds?
How about those commercials during the Super Bowl? There was one called “My Talking Stain.” Sounds like Bill Clinton’s worst nightmare.
Bill Clinton said we need to slow down the economy to fight global warming. Slow down the economy. You know what that means? George Bush has done more to stop global warming than Al Gore.
The big issue in South Carolina is the lost textile jobs, which is why Hillary was so stunned that she came in second. She said, “You mean I’ve been wearing these pantsuits for nothing?”
Exit polls show Bill’s campaigning actually hurt Hillary. Gee, I hope that doesn’t create any tension in their marriage . . .
What’s going on with Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama? I’m not going to say they’re acting childish, but today Hillary issued a statement saying, “I’m rubber. You’re glue.”
Craig Ferguson
Hillary Clinton is having money problems. To keep her campaign alive, she had to spend $5 million of her family's money. Bill Clinton was very upset. Five million dollars is two months at the strip club.
He said, "Damn it Hillary I want that money back . . . and I want it in singles."
Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had their debate on Hollywood Boulevard. Which is unusual. Normally the debate on Hollywood Boulevard is, Is that a man or a woman?
David Letterman
Well, it’s all over now . . . Hillary can remove the duct tape from Bill’s mouth.
Last night was President Bush’s last State of the Union address. The next State of the Union address will be given by co-Presidents Bill and Hillary Clinton.
This is what everyone’s worried about, Bill calling the shots; it will be like Bill and Hillary running the country. And I’m thinking, “This is tremendous!” It’s going to be like Regis and Kelly.
Conan O'Brien
Hillary teared up again. She did it at Yale University. Pundits are saying this might make the difference . . . her crying might make the difference for her. This got me thinking: Maybe I should give it a shot.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton locked horns for a debate last night. The tone was much more friendly than their last debate. In fact, they even shared a room together after the debate.
That would be great revenge for the Bill and Monica thing.
How furious would Oprah be?
