Sunday, December 30, 2007
Hillary Sandwich
On the Listening Tour, Hillary was pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town she was visiting had named a sandwich after her.
She was somewhat less pleased after she found out what was in it. "Mostly baloney," said the proprietor.
On the Listening Tour, Hillary was pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town she was visiting had named a sandwich after her.
She was somewhat less pleased after she found out what was in it. "Mostly baloney," said the proprietor.
Labels: HJ
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Hillary and the old cow
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car.
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow.
She stayed in the car making phone calls.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray.
He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you," asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car.
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow.
She stayed in the car making phone calls.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray.
He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you," asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."
Labels: HJ
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Hillary Clinton Commemorative Stamp
The US Postal Service has issued a recall of a stamp they created with a picture of Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements while serving as the First Lady of our nation.
The problem was discovered when claims had been made that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes, and that mail which had been sent using the "Hillary" postage was not being delivered. Senator Clinton demanded a full investigation into the allegations.
A special Postal Service Investigation team was formed and after several months and many dollars spent, made the following findings:
*The stamp was manufactured properly.
*There was nothing wrong with the adhesive.
*People were just spitting on the wrong side
The US Postal Service has issued a recall of a stamp they created with a picture of Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements while serving as the First Lady of our nation.
The problem was discovered when claims had been made that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes, and that mail which had been sent using the "Hillary" postage was not being delivered. Senator Clinton demanded a full investigation into the allegations.
A special Postal Service Investigation team was formed and after several months and many dollars spent, made the following findings:
*The stamp was manufactured properly.
*There was nothing wrong with the adhesive.
*People were just spitting on the wrong side
Labels: HJ
Monday, December 24, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
The 10 Stupidest Things Hillary Clinton Has Ever Said
10. "I have to confess that it's crossed my mind that you could not be a Republican and a Christian."
9. "God bless the America we are trying to create."
8. "We have a lot of kids who don't know what works means. They think work is a four-letter word."
7. “He ran a gas station down in St. Louis... No, Mahatma Gandhi was a great leader of the 20th century.” –introducing a quote by Mahatma Gandhi
6. “Who is going to find out? These women are trash. Nobody’s going to believe them.” –on Bill Clinton’s bimbo eruptions
5. “If I didn’t kick his ass every day, he wouldn’t be worth anything.” –on Bill Clinton
4. "I suppose I could have stayed home and baked cookies and had teas, but what I decided to do was to fulfill my profession which I entered before my husband was in public life."
3. "We are going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good."
2. "I have said that I'm not running and I'm having a great time being pres — being a first-term senator." —on her presidential ambitions
1. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
10. "I have to confess that it's crossed my mind that you could not be a Republican and a Christian."
9. "God bless the America we are trying to create."
8. "We have a lot of kids who don't know what works means. They think work is a four-letter word."
7. “He ran a gas station down in St. Louis... No, Mahatma Gandhi was a great leader of the 20th century.” –introducing a quote by Mahatma Gandhi
6. “Who is going to find out? These women are trash. Nobody’s going to believe them.” –on Bill Clinton’s bimbo eruptions
5. “If I didn’t kick his ass every day, he wouldn’t be worth anything.” –on Bill Clinton
4. "I suppose I could have stayed home and baked cookies and had teas, but what I decided to do was to fulfill my profession which I entered before my husband was in public life."
3. "We are going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good."
2. "I have said that I'm not running and I'm having a great time being pres — being a first-term senator." —on her presidential ambitions
1. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
Labels: HJ
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
Clinton's Parrot
One day while at the White House, the maid was cleaning the Oval Office's bird cage -- but, while she was doing it, the parrot flew out the window. The maid was scared that President Clinton would find out and she would be fired. So she went to the pet store and asked the clerk if they had any parrots similar to the one she had lost. The clerk said yes, they had one that looked just like it, but the bird had been in a whorehouse for three years. The maid figured it was better than nothing and bought it.
When she took it back to the White House she put the parrot back in the cage like nothing happened. Later that day, Hillary came in and the parrot said “Too old, too old” -- the First Lady was a bit peeved, but thought nothing of it.
A little bit after that Chelsea came in and the parrot said, “Too young, too young.”
A couple hours later, President Clinton came into the room and the bird chirped enthusiastically, “Hi Bill! Hi Bill!”
One day while at the White House, the maid was cleaning the Oval Office's bird cage -- but, while she was doing it, the parrot flew out the window. The maid was scared that President Clinton would find out and she would be fired. So she went to the pet store and asked the clerk if they had any parrots similar to the one she had lost. The clerk said yes, they had one that looked just like it, but the bird had been in a whorehouse for three years. The maid figured it was better than nothing and bought it.
When she took it back to the White House she put the parrot back in the cage like nothing happened. Later that day, Hillary came in and the parrot said “Too old, too old” -- the First Lady was a bit peeved, but thought nothing of it.
A little bit after that Chelsea came in and the parrot said, “Too young, too young.”
A couple hours later, President Clinton came into the room and the bird chirped enthusiastically, “Hi Bill! Hi Bill!”
Labels: BJ
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Young Hillary
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
Fortune Teller
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
Labels: HJ
Friday, December 14, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Hillary and the Puppies
Hillary was walking down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had. She goes up to the girl and says, "Little girl, I think that it's wonderful that you're doing such a good thing."
The little girl says, "Thank you, Mrs. Clinton. Would you like a puppy? They're Democrats."
She declines and moves on. The next day she passes the same girl and decides to talk to her again. "You know what, little girl? I think I'll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they're Democrats."
The girl says, "I'm sorry Mrs. Clinton, but they're not Democrats any more. They're Republicans now."
Hillary says, "They are? How do you know? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats at first to begin with?"
She says, "Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open."
Hillary was walking down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had. She goes up to the girl and says, "Little girl, I think that it's wonderful that you're doing such a good thing."
The little girl says, "Thank you, Mrs. Clinton. Would you like a puppy? They're Democrats."
She declines and moves on. The next day she passes the same girl and decides to talk to her again. "You know what, little girl? I think I'll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they're Democrats."
The girl says, "I'm sorry Mrs. Clinton, but they're not Democrats any more. They're Republicans now."
Hillary says, "They are? How do you know? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats at first to begin with?"
She says, "Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open."
Labels: HJ
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
A Letter to John Hinckley
Mr. John Hinckley
St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington D.C.
Dear John,
Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.
In our Country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land.
Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is born against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation.
Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.
Best wishes,
Bill Clinton
P.S. Guess you heard Ken Starr is having an affair with Jodie Foster.
Mr. John Hinckley
St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington D.C.
Dear John,
Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.
In our Country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land.
Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is born against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation.
Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.
Best wishes,
Bill Clinton
P.S. Guess you heard Ken Starr is having an affair with Jodie Foster.
Labels: CJ
Monday, December 10, 2007
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Clinton and the Pope
Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, but a mixup in the afterlife paperwork sends them to the wrong places: the Pope goes to hell and Bill goes to heaven.
After a couple of days they fix this problem and the Pope gets on the escalator to go to heaven and Bill gets on the other to go to hell. The two pass each other on the way and Bill asks, "How bad was it down there?" The Pope says, "Not that bad, kind of hot and noisy, but I am glad to be going up to heaven now.
There's one thing up there I have been looking forward to." Bill asks, "What is that?" The Pope replies, "I want to meet the Virgin Mary." Bill, shakes his head sheepishly and whispers to the Pope, "Too late."
Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, but a mixup in the afterlife paperwork sends them to the wrong places: the Pope goes to hell and Bill goes to heaven.
After a couple of days they fix this problem and the Pope gets on the escalator to go to heaven and Bill gets on the other to go to hell. The two pass each other on the way and Bill asks, "How bad was it down there?" The Pope says, "Not that bad, kind of hot and noisy, but I am glad to be going up to heaven now.
There's one thing up there I have been looking forward to." Bill asks, "What is that?" The Pope replies, "I want to meet the Virgin Mary." Bill, shakes his head sheepishly and whispers to the Pope, "Too late."
Labels: BJ
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Hillary's Deal With the Devil
Hillary was finishing up a day as Senator for New York when the Devil suddenly appeared in her office and made her an offer...
"I am here to offer you a deal," the Devil said. "I will give you unlimited wealth, even more power, and a media that will pander to your every whim. In return, all I ask for is your soul, the souls of every member of your family, and the souls of all your constituents."
Hillary pondered for a moment and then asked, "Unlimited wealth and power?"
"Absolutely unlimited," the Devil asserted.
"A pandering media?" she asked.
"They'll fall over themselves to support you, no matter what you say or do," the Devil assured.
"And you want my soul, my family's souls, and the souls of my constituents?" she asked.
"Yes. All of them," the Devil answered.
Hillary was deep in thought for a moment, then finally spoke:
"So...what's the catch?"
Hillary was finishing up a day as Senator for New York when the Devil suddenly appeared in her office and made her an offer...
"I am here to offer you a deal," the Devil said. "I will give you unlimited wealth, even more power, and a media that will pander to your every whim. In return, all I ask for is your soul, the souls of every member of your family, and the souls of all your constituents."
Hillary pondered for a moment and then asked, "Unlimited wealth and power?"
"Absolutely unlimited," the Devil asserted.
"A pandering media?" she asked.
"They'll fall over themselves to support you, no matter what you say or do," the Devil assured.
"And you want my soul, my family's souls, and the souls of my constituents?" she asked.
"Yes. All of them," the Devil answered.
Hillary was deep in thought for a moment, then finally spoke:
"So...what's the catch?"
Labels: HJ
Saturday, December 01, 2007
