Friday, November 30, 2007
Late Night Jokes
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton sais that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic Athlete. But she was not athletic enough.
She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women.
She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy.
Should she be telling this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else."
Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton sais that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic Athlete. But she was not athletic enough.
She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women.
She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy.
Should she be telling this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else."
Labels: HJ
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Parachute
A Plane with 4 passengers is about to crash, but has only three parachutes. The first passenger says "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA Basketball player. The Lakers need me. I can't afford to die." So he takes the first parachute and leaces the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton. says "I an the wife of the former President of the United States. I am the most ambitious woman in the world. I am also a New York Senator, a potential future President, and above all, the smartest women in America." She grabs the second parachute and leaves the plane.
The 3rd passenger, The Rev. Billy Graham, says to the fourth passenger, a 10 year old school boy, "I am old and I don't have many years left. As a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The boy says, "It's okay. There is still a parachute left for you.
America's smartest women took my school backpack."
A Plane with 4 passengers is about to crash, but has only three parachutes. The first passenger says "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA Basketball player. The Lakers need me. I can't afford to die." So he takes the first parachute and leaces the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton. says "I an the wife of the former President of the United States. I am the most ambitious woman in the world. I am also a New York Senator, a potential future President, and above all, the smartest women in America." She grabs the second parachute and leaves the plane.
The 3rd passenger, The Rev. Billy Graham, says to the fourth passenger, a 10 year old school boy, "I am old and I don't have many years left. As a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The boy says, "It's okay. There is still a parachute left for you.
America's smartest women took my school backpack."
Labels: HJ
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Her 40th Anniversary
Bill and Hillary were married 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."
Bill and Hillary were married 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."
Labels: HJ
Friday, November 23, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
The Hottest Selling Political Bumper Sticker
Finally, a new bumper sticker for BOTH political parties.
This hottest selling political bumper sticker comes from New York State:
"RUN HILARY RUN'
Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper.
Finally, a new bumper sticker for BOTH political parties.
This hottest selling political bumper sticker comes from New York State:
"RUN HILARY RUN'
Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper.
Labels: HJ
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Friday, November 16, 2007
Hillary and a Cowboy
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, on an airliner bound for Texas, finds herself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans, and a cowboy hat.
Thinking herself above the old cowboy, she decides to make sport of him.
"You know," she says, "I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger.
So, let's talk."
The cowboy looks at her wryly and says, "Well I s'pose that'd be all right, m'am. What'd ya like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says Hillary with a slight hint of sarcasm.
"How about Iraq?"
"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing an attempt to perhaps belittle him, "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first: Horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
Dumbfounded, Senator Clinton replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me, then," says the cowboy with a smile. "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss Iraq when you don't know sh-t?
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, on an airliner bound for Texas, finds herself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans, and a cowboy hat.
Thinking herself above the old cowboy, she decides to make sport of him.
"You know," she says, "I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger.
So, let's talk."
The cowboy looks at her wryly and says, "Well I s'pose that'd be all right, m'am. What'd ya like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says Hillary with a slight hint of sarcasm.
"How about Iraq?"
"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing an attempt to perhaps belittle him, "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first: Horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
Dumbfounded, Senator Clinton replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me, then," says the cowboy with a smile. "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss Iraq when you don't know sh-t?
Labels: HJ
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
Hillary Clinton Gets Some Advice
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House.
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie,"
Ouch! Says Hillary, I don't know about that.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people,"
Ho! I really don't want to do that.
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House.
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie,"
Ouch! Says Hillary, I don't know about that.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people,"
Ho! I really don't want to do that.
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
Labels: HJ
Friday, November 09, 2007
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Out The Window
Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".
Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".
Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
Labels: Q
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Clinton Throws The First Pitch
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and says something. Suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the wall onto the field. The stunned umpired shouts, "No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH!'"
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and says something. Suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the wall onto the field. The stunned umpired shouts, "No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH!'"
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Thursday, November 01, 2007
